the silkbox

almost 5 months!

2011-05-17T16:23:00.001-04:00

chillin after daycare

2011-03-29T20:53:00.000-04:00

notes from a working mom

2011-03-29T20:12:00.003-04:00

well, it's been almost two weeks since i went back to work and i have to say that i feel like we are all thriving. the first few days were rough - full of sadness, worry, fear, guilt, tears -- a checklist of emotions comparable to, well, grief. i was grieving, and still do, the fact that i have to leave my little three month old son in the arms of others for approximately nine hours per day, five days a week, for all the weeks in the conceivable future. but grieving this fact of my life is different from the day to day living of it, and the sharp grief of the first couple days has faded into a manageable, soft, almost acceptable feeling.

each morning and afternoon during pick up and drop off, i have spent time with M's caregivers and feel like i have begun to develop a relationship with them, as well as the other children in M's room. and i can tell that he's begun to develop these relationships as well. today, when we arrived, a little boy toddled up to M and grabbed his pacifier from his mouth and M just gave him a huge smile. so i can observe that he is making a place for himself there, as we all must do in the lives we lead outside our homes. as i have always said about this particular daycare facility, S and i both feel happy when we are there. and M seems happy there too.

as for me, i am truly enjoying the intellectual work of my job, all the while also enjoying thinking about M during the day. i also enjoy taking breaks to pump (though the office i'm using is SO COLD) and take the time to just daydream. i've become an EXPERT bottle washer, as, every night, i have to wash and dry and refill M's bottles for daycare the next day AND wash and dry my bottles for pumping. but i try to enjoy the ritual of all of it, remembering that i'm doing all this for my sweet boy, who won't be a baby forever.

and of course, working makes the weekends all the more fun.

M goes to Kansas!

2011-03-16T15:29:00.004-04:00

we took our first family vacation this past weekend. here are some pictures...

this is M about to board his first flight. he's waving goodbye!

M napped through his first trip to KC's famous hamburger joint, Winstead's.

Grandpa Jayhawk is laughing because M just pooped and Grandpa jumped about 30 feet in the air!

his Kansas grandparents were so happy to meet M!

M also enjoyed some snuggle time with dad in KC.

when babies fall, parents cry

2011-03-09T15:39:00.004-05:00

cute photo of M and dad. but do you see the rug burn on S's arm? that's the only evidence that remains of a very scary moment yesterday. S fell down the stairs while holding M! like he started at the top of the steps and fell all the way down to the landing. he did a great job of making sure M was okay on the way down. and he was, after he got over the scare of it. S and I are far more traumatized by the fall than the baby. it's just one of those moments we'll always remember as parents. we spend so much time and energy protecting him and thinking about protecting him, and it's hard to realize that we can't protect him from everything, including (or especially) our own ability to walk down stairs, for example.

i'm also realizing how terribly breathtakingly hard it's going to be to leave M at daycare next week. not only can we not protect our baby from things happening to him in the world, we also have to let him go out there on his own. i constantly have to remind myself that he's not a part of me anymore. ever since they cut the umbilical cord, he has been slowly but surely moving away from me. he's moved out of my arms into his bassinet just a few feet away and will eventually move into his own room. he's going to want to nurse less and less and begin take in food from outside of myself. he's moving farther and father away from my body. and i have to remember that his life is HIS journey and i'm just here to help him along. i can't teach him to walk or talk - those are things he has to do on his own, even though i'm here to hold his hand while he takes his steps and tell him stories from which he can make his own words. so i guess i'm beginning to experience what is probably the most challenging part of being a mother:

letting go.
gradually and bit by bit it will happen.
until he's fully M, grown.

a friday picture

2011-03-04T09:03:00.002-05:00

another day with this sweet baby. i am so lucky.

march

2011-03-03T09:54:00.001-05:00

M had his 2-month checkup on tuesday. he's almost 13 pounds (size 2 diapers, here we come!) and is measuring in the 75th percentile for height and weight. he got several immunizations, which he seems to have tolerated pretty well.

i have mixed feelings about it being march. march marks the time when i can legitimately hope for snowmelt and 50+ degree days. this winter has been rough on me because the snow and cold have really cooped us up here in our house while i'm home all day with M. by march, the end is officially near! i can't wait for the wet muddy sloshy bits-of-green drip drip drip of spring! i want to replace all the blood in my body with fresh aired-out spring blood. i want to get out and hike, show M more of the world. i've also begun daydreaming about the vegetable garden i'm going to plant this year in our yard. i think we've settled on a handful of crops (it's my first real garden so i'm starting slow with peppers, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, garlic, and onions) and i've ordered some seed catalogs to flip through. today it's sunny so i'm watching the yard to see where the sunniest spots are.

march also brings the end of my maternity leave; i return to work on march 17 and M will go to daycare. we've chosen a place we believe will nurture him the way we would if we were there and enhance his development. i'm trying not to dread march 17: all i can do is trust that the decision to go back to work and the place we've decided to take M are the best for our family. i could go on and on about how much i will miss being M's primary caregiver during the day, how i will miss rocking away the day with him. but we must move on. both of us must step a little out of the nest and it will be good for us.

so this month is going to be about change, growth, and poking our heads once again out into the world. upon reflection, it's really all good. i think we're both ready to emerge.

just some pictures

2011-02-28T09:43:00.000-05:00

a couple new pictures of M!

we call this one "naked baby with socks" - there's just something so sweet and wonderful about a naked baby.

M has been enjoying pushing down with his legs and "standing up." i love this shot of dad and M.

this is one of a "sun series" i took the other morning when the sun was hitting M's hair in a way that made it even more crazy looking.

we took two great family walks this weekend. M doesn't always like the stroller, so we tried the front pack and he really loved it, even though he does have an annoyed look on his face. S and i loved it too. the sidewalks have been really snowy/icy/slushy, so the front pack works a lot better. i'm thankful that we're getting our walks in.

two months!

2011-02-23T08:55:00.001-05:00

here are some recent photos of M!

i took this photo yesterday. his hair is just getting more and more bananas!

M and Sadie are making friends.

this photo begs for a caption... anyone?

a sweet (but blurry) half-smile picture.

S thinks M looks like Andy Warhol in this picture.

M loves his swing but often falls asleep in it curled in on himself. it looks so cute but also uncomfortable! i don't leave him in there very long.

M is two months old today. i think he's growing out of the "newborn" stage because last night he slept for 7 hours straight! and he has almost grown out of his bassinet - i think we'll transition to the crib sometime soon. we've been trying a new nighttime and nap routine which seems to be working and is buying S and I some time together at night and some sleep. M and i do a lot of playing during the day and he's been enjoying listening to music, sticking out his tongue at me, smiling, getting kissed by the mama kiss monster and his stuffed animals, hitting his toys with his hands and kicking his legs. we have his 2-month doctor's appointment next week.

M is waking up, gotta scoot.

my new skin

2011-02-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

first of all, i have to say that i am writing this while sitting on the floor in the hall outside my bedroom where the baby is napping. he's REALLY napping -- meaning that he's actually in his bassinet and not just sleeping in my arms. and he's been there for a WHOLE HOUR already which is something close to a miracle these days. i seem to have a baby who doesn't "take naps" but rather, sleeps for a while in my arms but wakes up screaming if i try to put him down. i think he gets it from his high-maintenance sleeper dad, not me, who can sleep anywhere, anytime, forever and ever. so this is a delicious treat. must type fast.

today i wanted to record a thought i've been having a lot lately, and that is that i feel so comfortable in my mother skin. i slipped into this mother role and it was like slipping into a favorite pair of jeans. i've never been really into fashion- tshirts and jeans are pretty much my standard. and now i don't have to worry that i dress like a mom because i AM a mom! i also kind of love my mom pooch. it's very different from the "i eat out too much and drink too much beer" pooch that i've always had. this pooch is so much cuter because it's a mom pooch and it came from my pregnancy. i've been doing situps, but only halfheartedly. :)

as i noted, our M is not really a great napper (although he does pretty well sleeping at night), so i spend a lot of time with him over my shoulder, patting his bum and walking around with him while he "naps." i find myself stopping and looking in a mirror to see if his eyes are open or shut and i see this MOM looking back at me. i swear i look different! despite being more tired than i've ever been in my life, i feel like i look more present. and beautiful in the way that moms are beautiful when they hold their children and pat their bums and sing to them.

anyway, i hear the little one snorting, must run!

a mother is born

2011-02-17T07:21:00.000-05:00

my baby is 8 weeks old today.* early in my pregnancy, i thought about rejuvenating this blog to write about being pregnant but i ended up only privately writing in a journal about it. i think now i will rejuvenate this blog to write about my motherhood experience, more of a motherhood journal for my own purposes than a "baby update" type blog, but still containing pictures and updates about our baby. i'm going to continue to keep the blog anonymous.

my motherhood journey began, as all do, with the trauma of birth. i use the word trauma because the process of labor and delivery traumatized me, even though it was just about as "normal" and uncomplicated as it could have possibly been. my water broke around 9pm on a wednesday (three days before christmas), progressed steadily from there, and our M was born at 7:43 the next morning. i feel really lucky and happy that i was able to stick to my birth plan and have a natural birth. i wanted to do that for myself - i wanted to prove to myself that i could do it - and because i wanted M to have the most natural entry into the world possible. however, i think that the lack of painkillers made the experience less euphoric than i had expected or hoped. instead of a lot of breathing, focal points, meditation and massage (as envisioned in our lamaze class), there was a LOT of screaming and biting, and i said "golly" and "you guys" a lot (i guess that's better than cursing ... but a little strange that i regressed to childlike talk). i felt like i was in a battle with my body, just holding on lest it tear itself in half. it was indescribable pain.

everyone says that you "forget the pain" once the baby is born and you see his or her little face. for me, this is 100% true, although i was definitely still in pain after he was born; in fact, the pain lasted for two weeks or so as i recovered (though it took me at least 4 weeks to really feel like myself again). it was REALLY hard for me to focus on loving my baby when my body was in such physical upheaval. as the days and weeks go by, however, my memory of the pain has faded and has been replaced by exponentially growing love for my baby. i'm a bit saddened, actually, that my memory of the birth has been softened by time already; i'm so darn proud of what i did that i want to hold on to it and remember every bit in vivid detail. alas, now all i really know is that it WAS indescribably painful but i can't describe it any more than that. it's like a line in tom stoppard's rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead - and i am paraphrasing as it's been years since i read the play - i crossed the bridge (of childbirth) and then burned it behind me, leaving only the smell of smoke and the knowledge that my eyes once watered.

i did write all the "nice" details of M's birth in my pregnancy journal in case M wants to read it someday. example, what i was doing the day before he was born, what i ate for dinner, what the weather was like, etc. those are the details that are relevant in my public portrayal of my life as a mom and M's own perception about his birthday. however, i will always hold the pain and trauma in my own heart: a badge of honor and a reminder that the good things in life are sometimes the hardest to achieve.

* i started this post on thursday and it's now saturday. life with a baby is a life of small segments of free time.

let us micro sniff

2010-02-16T20:36:00.000-05:00

The dog and I had a really nice walk yesterday morning. Our weekday morning walks usually last just about 10 minutes because I have tarried too long at the house and need to get off to work. There’s often some tugging involved- Sadie wants to linger over especially interesting and smelly areas (tug tug let’s sniff over here) and I want to get along with things (tug tug let’s head towards home). A dusting of guilt settles within me but I pull her home anyway.

Yesterday was luxuriously different and, as she often does, my dog reminded me of something good about life. I slept in (it was President's Day Monday) and we headed out on our walk shortly thereafter. It was just barely snowing and felt nice out, not too chilly. I let Sadie lead the way and I also let her pace our walk. She took us on our usual path around the park near our apartment but we proceeded to the Extra Good Sniffing Sidewalk which is adjacent to the Really Great Sniffing Park. I think these areas are frequented by lots of dogs -- dangerous places for dog-owners who are on 10-minute weekday morning walks because the sniffing is excruciatingly excellent. Yesterday I let her sniff her little heart out.

Sadie will sniff one particular little spot for a whole minute at a time - probably all day long if I let her. The sniffs are steady, intense, deliberate, focused. My friend L calls it “micro sniffing.” I’m not sure if she coined that term but I really like it. L said that dogs don’t *need* to micro sniff – a quick general sniff does the trick to assess the smell of something. So is micro sniffing just for the pleasure of it? The concept that a dog derives pleasure (or maybe a better word is satisfaction) from spending a whole minute sniffing one spot reminds me of something yoga instructors talk about – the idea that true happiness bubbles up when we are able to live in the present moment even if just for an instant. In my imagination, Sadie loses herself in those sniffs in the way that an artist loses herself when she is painting. Sadie forgets that she has an owner, that it is snowing, that she is a dog with a physical body and simply lives in the sniff.

I know that characterizing Sadie’s micro sniffing as transcendent is silly and a bit self indulgent. Really, she’s just a dog doing something that she’s genetically programmed to do -- for whatever reason –- and she’s glad her owner had some extra time to let her do it. But I’m happy that I slowed down enough to notice it yesterday morning and I think the lesson is a good one. I need to take more notice of the micro sniffing moments in my own life. Whether it is writing or reading or exercising or listening to music in the car, I would like to be more aware that I’m having such a moment –- a happiness-bubbling-up moment -- without bringing myself too much out of it. Yes. Like right now.

it's me... still

2009-09-15T20:54:00.000-04:00

the setting: it’s a tuesday night and the husband is out. i put on some cat stevens and got ready to make butternut squash soup (which incidentally, i don’t really care for but it sounds so autumn and cozy to make butternut squash soup, especially while listening to cat stevens, so i was going to try to like it). anyway, i realized i need a blender for the recipe- the blender, along with many many kitchen utensils/equipment i never thought we really needed is in storage. so. scratch that. and here we are, blogging.

hello.

i’ve moved to troy, new york. want to hear about it?

for about the first three weeks here, i felt like i was in mourning. in the daylight, i put on a fresh face, went to work, got groceries, made a couple friends, changed my address, went to the farmer’s market, ate ice cream, and threw balls for the dog in the park. but at night, i wanted to take it all back and go home, go back in time to when things were normal, go back to Before. i’ve been thinking a lot about the source of that mourning and i think i was having a bit of an identity crisis. all at once, i felt like a city girl stuck in the country, the only college football fan within a span of 300 miles, a lone southerner trying in vain to give a good explanation of my presence here, and the oldest law clerk in the world (most of my coworkers are fresh-out-of-law-school lawyers). not to mention, i got a brand new last name and brand new phone number, dropping two very important vestiges of my past all at once. suffice to say, i think i made it hard on my one and only friend here for those first three weeks- so sorry dear hubby.

the good news is i’ve found myself again.

all it took was two happy hours with my new coworkers, two visits to S’s parent’s house in potsdam, two georgia bulldog football games, seventeen meals made with vegetables from a friend’s garden, twenty bites of fried dough at the county fair, one cinnamon-scented candle, three weeks of a 15-minute commute with no traffic, two hangovers, two Adirondack hikes, two visits to massachusetts, one bike ride, one visit to vermont, one georgia o’keefe exhibit, one peace pagoda, three slices of NY pizza, one bowl of pho, two boat rides, two hot toffee cakes in keene, one episode of gilmore girls, thousands of kisses from the dog, two visits to the farmer’s market, three cases completed, one work picnic, two batches of zucchini bread, one bottle of wine brought home from italy, one phone call from a good friend in brooklyn, three bunches of fresh flowers, and one very loving, wonderful, fun, and handsome husband.

oh and cat stevens.

Saying Goodbye to Washington

2009-08-25T19:35:00.000-04:00

Unsurprisingly, I have had a lot of things on my mind since moving to Troy, NY. I’ve been craving some quiet time to sit and write about my new life in New York and I've finally found it. But first, I need to write about saying goodbye to DC.

I fell in love with Washington DC when I was in 5th grade. I distinctly remember two things about 5th grade. First, I developed a short-lived disciplinary problem because my best friend Jean was in my class. I remember it being pretty fun to get in trouble with Jean - this was in Kansas right before our move to Georgia and a time I remember feeling strong, can-do-anything-and-be-anyone-i-want, and popular.

Anyway, the second thing I remember about 5th grade is learning about American history. We memorized the state capitols, participated in a “living history” exhibit (I was Dolly Madison and my mom hand-sewed a fantastic colonial dress for me to wear. A photo of my arm was in the newspaper!), and did a “research project” on a topic of our choosing. My topic was Pierre L’Enfant, the architect who designed Washington DC. I was intrigued by the idea of how Washington became a place with classical marble monuments, a place where the presidents lived, a place that belonged to all Americans. I learned that L’Enfant wasn’t nearly as interesting as the city itself. The seeds of my DC life were sown.

The rest of my journey to living in DC isn’t quite as romantic. I visited with my family in high school but, by that point, I was a moody angsty teenager wishing I was hanging out with my friends instead of walking around some touristy city with my family. I began visiting DC with relish once some of my college friends moved there. I fell in love with the city all over again. It was beautiful, green, young, and urban: a place where I felt like I could find myself, separate from the safety of my roots. It felt like somewhere I could own myself. I applied to several law schools in DC, but didn’t get in. I finally landed an internship and spent the summer of 2003 there. It was a very wild young summer and, upon leaving, I felt even stronger that it was a place I needed to be.

After applying to a zillion federal jobs in DC, I landed one a couple years out of law school, and moved there in September 2006. At that point, ironically, it was a hard move to make. I was excited about DC and all the pieces (the job, the apartment to live in) had fallen together so perfectly it seemed meant to be. However, I’d worked for two years in Atlanta and snuggled myself into a good life there. Leaving Georgia in 2006 was one of the hardest things I ever made myself do. I knew though, even then, it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

I am so thankful for the three years I lived in the Washington area. When I arrived there, I was broken, adrift. I was on antidepressants and had a hangover every single weekend. When I left DC several days ago, I said goodbye to the city as a more whole person. I am married and feel more stable and emotionally healthy than I have in my whole life, ever. I’m closer – haha, not there yet - to finding a home inside myself. Although I can attribute a lot of that to finding a life partner and, indeed, to the particular life partner I’ve chosen, I also attribute some of my growth to DC itself. For me, DC was a place for walking and thinking. And walking and thinking makes one grow.

I could go on forever about how DC has been a major character in my life. But I shall end this tome of a blog post with my thoughts upon leaving the city. I took a day and visited all of my favorite DC landmarks one last time. I didn’t feel as sad as I thought that I would feel. Instead, it was like saying goodbye to an old friend you know you’ll see again soon. Or, more accurately, like saying goodbye to an old friend or family member you’ve been around for too long, and every single thing they do annoys the crap out of you. You know that the next time you see this person, you will be overjoyed and absolutely not annoyed but for now, you are getting out of there as quickly as you can before you explode. That’s how I felt driving away from DC. Give me time though, and I’ll be back.

of news/stuff/change/life/love/butter (not really butter)

2009-07-21T14:06:00.000-04:00

s and i got married last weekend. i know, i can hardly believe it myself. i've been waking up in the morning with a husband in my bed for the past ten days. i stare at him while he's sleeping and think about how great it is to have a husband lying there belonging to me for real. i've always wanted one and there he is. like a christmas gift. and not just any christmas gift but the one i wanted. it seems like a miracle and a dream all at once. i'm so thankful for him and for our new marriage. i feel like it's a baby bird i have to hold carefully or it will break or fly away. maybe that's because it's so new. in reality, i know our new little marriage is much stronger than it feels.

our wedding was wonderful and i have been replaying all of the details in my head - a more worn and well-used memory is tougher to forget, right? my favorite part of all was the ceremony. we wrote it ourselves, included several very special family members and a very special song. i love thinking about that song. s told me the song's been in his head all week, but he's been substituting the words "wedding rings" for "chicken wings." i like that because it pulls me back from weddingdreamland into our regular life.

our next step is that we are moving to troy, ny (a small city just north of albany) at the end of this month. we are renting one floor of an old brownstone in a regenerated part of downtown troy. it's going to be a temporary place to live until we can find/buy/move in to our first home. i feel like i have been searching for that home my whole adult life. i am breathless when i think about it and i can't wait.

until then, i am finishing out my work life in DC. i've been assigned a brand new month-long project that's interfered with my vision for my last lazy month of work here. but its breathed new life into my job and i'm even happier than before. ironic.

i am hoping that i will be able to keep in touch better via blogging once we move. "midwestern/southern girl moves north, battles snow, starts a uga alumni chapter/football watching club, and tries to find vietnamese food and live without a trader joes." stay tuned.

i'm ready to talk!

2009-02-27T10:49:00.000-05:00

i took the new york bar exam this week - tuesday and wednesday - and i'm recovered enough to say that all i really care about right now is that it's over and i can get on with my life. i have had my mind very narrowly focused on the bar these past couple of months and now feel a little strange having it back. i have really missed lots of the little joys of my life, including cooking for the sheer pleasure of it, hiking and generally being outdoors, and enjoying quiet lazy weekend mornings with my honey and my dog. now they are all coming back to me and i am thrilled! just in time for the first signs of spring. i know it's going to be a good one.

i took the exam in albany with all of the other out-of-staters. it was in the empire state plaza convention center, which is below ground physically underneath The Egg. it was strange to think that, underneath that funny egg-shaped theater on tuesday and wednesday, all those souls were pouring their hearts out on the bar exam while life simply went on outside. i had the most nervous stomach walking in to the building on the first day of the exam- i haven't felt like that in a really long time. those kinds of feelings used to be common during law school but as a regular working person, i rarely feel that absolute terror type stress. i thought to myself "what in the world am i doing? i am too old for this!" but i also felt very much alive. i think it was really good for me to do something really hard to better myself and do it all on my own. i feel like this accomplishment has strengthened my core so i can be a better person in my regular life. and it's wonderful to have something to celebrate in that "schools out for summer!" way.

this weekend i have planned a big 30th birthday party for s - and although it is certainly a party for him, i will be enjoying it for myself as well!

dashing through . . . route 50

2008-12-15T12:37:00.000-05:00

happy holidays! i don't have anything really groundbreaking to say today but i wanted to post because i always love reading my friends' updates - here i am returning the favor.
my life of late has been consumed, as most everyone's, by christmas shopping, wrapping, sending christmas cards and boxes of gifts, having intentions to make cookies, trying to finish the scarves i'm knitting as gifts, trying to fit in a workout or two (and pretty much failing at that), trying not to eat or drink too much at christmas parties (and definitely failing at that), and spreading overall christmas cheer without losing my mind or accidentally running anyone over. it's exhausting really and i didn't blame S one bit when he came home yesterday from 5 hours of "retail hell" spewing unmentionable blasphemies about the holiday season. his hair was literally standing straight up and he went straight for a beer. we all know how it feels, especially if your "retail hell" is northern virginia. nonetheless, we have gotten some fantastic gifts for our families and i think we're all ready to leave for colton, ny on saturday morning. oh except for making christmas cookies, throwing a small holiday gathering on thursday, buying a toy for those tots, making brownies tomorrow night for my tap class, picking up a gift for my boss, and visiting the white house christmas tree, which S seems to insist on. boy will i be glad to get on the road!

complaining aside, it's a wonderful time of year and i'm enjoying every minute of it, really. i wish you all good cheer and all loose holiday ends tied up. i also send out hope and love and prayers for everyone who's got a heavy or worried heart this december. may you be soothed by cookies and lights.

the agony . . . the ecstasy

2008-11-20T09:53:00.000-05:00

here is michelangelo's pieta, from my gigantic pile of photgraphs that i took in italy. before i left on my trip, i was told to read "the agony and the ecstasy" by irving stone. i took one look at the 700-plus-page novel in the library and decided, eh, i'll read that some other time. after visiting italy and experiencing michelangelo firsthand - his frescoes in the sistine chapel, his oil and tempera doni tondo in the uffizi gallery, his marble david (i just visited the replica), and this pieta, a marble located inside st. peter's basilica - i really couldn't resist picking up the novel.

it was a fantastic book and well-worth the challenge of its heft. i was lucky to have 45 minutes on the train to and from work each day to read it. every morning before work and every afternoon on the way home i was transported to renaissance italy into the world and mind of michelangelo. with each new peice of art that michelangelo created, i followed along by studying a photograph of the piece from another source. i loved the color and violence of the renaissance world and particularly michelangelo's passion for his craft. it was invigorating and inspiring. i highly recommend it!

and here's another photo from italy, just for fun.

this, my friends, is the best pasta i have ever eaten. after a long day of sightseeing in florence, we relied on rick steves for an out-of-the-way place for good pasta. good old rick! the place was called 13 Gobbi (meaning 13 hunchbacks), and the dish was a thick al dente pasta dressed with garlic, olive oil, hot pepper, and pancetta. it was fantastic and i was sad i had to split the entree with sm, though we also split a most-excellent osso bucco. but oh the pasta!

my birthday, in review

2008-11-19T13:21:00.000-05:00

i had a wonderful time on my birthday, which was on monday. turning 31 is sort of like turning 19. it's not a dramatic birthday and you don't really feel any different when it comes. but it was still my birthday and i've never been able to resist celebrating every minute of that day. so i'll share with you what i did on monday.

i slept in about 10 minutes. s made me pumpkin coffee (i have been ordering green mountain pumpkin spice coffee online! it's SO GOOD!) and i got a nice birthday hug and kiss before he left for work.

i took the metro to work. i was happy because i got to start a new chick-lit novel, a refreshing change from my month-long project of reading "the agony and the ecstasy." i brought cheddar/jalepeno cornbread to work for my coworkers. i spent most of the workday answering birthday emails and chatting with my coworkers.

i went to lunch with emma and sm at zengo. we had the bento boxes plus desserts for $24. i liked my lunch, especially the asian salad compartment, but for a lot cheaper, i think i prefer the bentos at teaism, followed by part or all of a salty oat cookie.

after work, i met s at the courthouse metro. he had a dozen red roses (!) and a gift for me, even though i'd specified NO GIFTS. we went to an irish pub for my "birthday boddingtons" which turned into a guinness because the pub didn't have boddingtons. however, i think "birthday guinness" has a better ring to it. i unwrapped the present !oh my! a wonderfully shaped wusthof paring knife. happy and with a concealed weapon in my bag, i walked with s to Ray's the Steaks for dinner.

neither of us had been to rays before but we'd heard great things about it, and it's consistently rated one of the best steaks in the dc area. i liked it immediately upon entering. its decor is simple and nonpretentious. the service was excellent and attentive. they brought out complimentary spicy cashews and rosemary focaccia and we ordered a very nice bottle of cabernet from california. we split a cup of the crab bisque - it was pure delight, a very generous serving of sweet lump crab swimming in a buttery coral-colored broth. i knew then that i'd come back just for the bisque. i ordered the filet, which was perfectly cooked and served with mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. s also got the filet, but added mushroom cream, which he said was amazing. we ate everything on our plates, finished the wine, gobbled up a slice of key lime pie for dessert, and had a nice chat with the couple sitting next to us. if you don't know already, know now that you need to eat at ray's the steaks. i hope to return at least once before we move to ny.

i didn't think my birthday could get any better, but it did. from dinner, we drove out to vienna to see a show: Gregory and the Hawk. s knows the singer/songwriter from high school and they were both happy to reconnect. i'd listened to her cd once and fell in love with her voice. it's almost otherworldly but in a really comforting and sweet way. her voice was even more enchanting live and i wanted her to sing forever. her lyrics are also soulful and sad and natural, and reminded me of eric bachman's solo work. i was moved and reminded of how much i love to listen to live music and want to do it more often. anyway, have a listen to gregory and the hawk if you get a minute.

the only bad part of my birthday was that it ended. but all days can't be birthdays, or they wouldn't be as wonderful.

thirteen more days of summer

2008-08-26T13:23:00.000-04:00

i got a text message this morning from emma: "ahhhh! football weather!" she's right. this morning in dc it was cloudy and about 65 degrees - feels like football weather, at least if you watch football in athens, georgia. usually, i'm counting down the days to the first football saturday of the season - my very favorite time of year. this year, though, i keep forgetting that we have our first football game on saturday. the reason is that i will be out of the country for the next thirteen days.

tomorrow i am flying to rome, and on saturday, my friends and i will drive in rented cars to our villa, which is just north of siena in tuscan wine country. it will be in the 80s and sunny in italy. not football weather. for thirteen luxurious days i will suck one last long sip from summer's fountain, trying to ignore the autumn buzz i've been hearing stateside.

when i get home, i will welcome with open arms the football weather and i will finally read the sports illustrated with the dawgs on the cover (lovingly mailed to me by a friend in georgia because i couldn't get that cover in dc), sign up for satellite radio so i can get the arizona state game while i'm camping in september, set up the tivo, and dust off my sausage cups recipe. but for now, for me, it's still summer. thirteen more sunny poolside days of summer.

this is not to say i won't be wearing my dawgs gear on saturdays while i am in italy. or getting game updates from a little birdie.

cleanse report

2008-08-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

s and i just completed a 7-day "cleanse"/detox. i got the idea from my mom-propaganda-wellness-book (see last post), but we also did some online research and tweaked it a little to meet our needs. the point of the detox, for us, was to give our systems a break from all the heavy food and drink we consumed during our busy and very festive july. for a full seven days, we gave up the following: all animal products (including dairy), sugar (including natural sweeteners like honey), caffeine, alcohol, and gluten. aside from some minor deviations (one night, for example, we used a stir fry sauce that contained honey and last night i HAD to have a flour tortilla), we did it!

was it difficult? for me, HELL YES. i am an eater, dammit. not only that, i'm a die hard red-meat-eater born and raised on BBQ and beer. the hardest part for me was psychological attachment to good food and what naturally follows from good food- good wine, fun times with friends, a full happy stomach. i missed the meat and cheese and sugar but mainly, i missed looking forward to meat and cheese and sugar, if that makes sense. s missed his coffee the most, i think. both of us had headaches off and on for the whole 7 days, but s MISSED his daily cup(s) of coffee.

what did we eat? we actually found that it was pretty easy to find things to eat, even though, for me, it usually wasn't what i WANTED to eat. we ate oatmeal made with soy or rice milk, topped with bananas and raisins and some agave nectar (the only sweetener we were allowed to eat), for breakfast every morning. it was tasty and filling. s usually made herbal tea to go with our oats.

i ate lunch at work - mostly amy's vegan soups from a can. they were pretty blah, but i supplemented my soup with loads of fresh veggies (sometimes with hummus, sometimes as a salad with an oil&vinegar dressing), fresh fruits (we found some exceptionally good plums and ate about three watermelons in the course of the week), and nuts.

we cooked a lot of pretty good dinners, including black beans & brown rice topped with salsa and hot sauce, a rice noodle stir fry with veggies and tofu, a plain old vegetable soup, and a kale & potato soup with veggie kielbasa (ugh). we also did takeout from the food bars at whole foods twice (great selection). we found that gluten-free rice bread is completely unfortunate, but we really liked some tempeh we tried from whole foods. we also guzzled lots of sparkling water glitzed up with lemon.

so it's over now. last night we gleefully set the timer on both the coffeemaker and the bread machine and awoke to the smell of fresh coffee and honey bread. i made sausage (for me) and eggs (for s) and we had a wonderful breakfast. we are both so happy to have our normal eating life back (and our coffee headaches gone). tonight we are celebrating with a restaurant week dinner here.

despite the pain and tears (yes it made me cry), i'm really glad we did it. at points during the past week, i was on a fast-track to a cheeseburger binge, but s gracefully steadied me and kept me on track. (thank you!). doing this detox helped me to focus on exactly how much i needed to re-examine my eating life to make it more healthy. s and i are going to be eating more vegetarian dinners in the future, i think, and i am probably going to stick with our morning oatmeal routine (after today's indulgence). i'm also going to appreciate happy hour today more than anyone else in the bar with me - well, maybe except for s. most of all, i like that we set a goal for ourselves and achieved it. it just feels good.

mmm, now i am going to go eat a yogurt.

mom knows wellness

2008-07-31T15:32:00.000-04:00

my neglect of this blog is symbolic of what's been going on in my life this month. i've had very little down time, at work and at home, to rest my workspeak/smalltalk/socializing muscles and let other ponderings swim about. on the schedule for july was: attending three out-of-town weddings, throwing a baby shower at my apartment, visits from several good friends, and a trip to austin (actually, we leave tomorrow!), not to mention some hard-hitting cases at work. to top it all off, s and i did a couple weeks of furious apartment hunting after deciding that we want to move in september to another, cheaper, apartment where we will bide our time for our BIG move next year. so what once looked like a fun, full july became a tangled nest of obligations. "obligations" isn't quite the word for it. but i do think that there is such a thing as too much fun and i've had it.

also throughout this month, i've been reading a book about wellness. my mom sent a copy to me, as well as to all my siblings - i usually accept such mom propaganda with a playful roll of the eyes and a sigh. and i did. and the book is pretty ridiculous -self-help spirituality stuff combined with a preachy "it is so absolutely cruel and heinous to eat animals" vibe. however, i've been "reading" it before bed (i wouldn't be caught dead with it on the metro- i'm not even going to tell you the name of the book!) and, honestly, it's brought me peace, kind of like how going to church brings me peace. reading about spirituality and healing and wellness, cheesy as it sounds, helped me put my crazy out of control july into focus, at least enough for me to go to sleep and wake up with a good attitude. sometimes moms just know what their kids need, you know?

so goodbye to july and hello to the next three weeks of NO PLANS!

the meadows

2008-05-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

as my plane landed in las vegas last wednesday night, the steward announced "welcome to lost wages!" groan. i expected it to be that kind of trip - where the cheesiness of everyone and everything overwhelms the genuine and authentic. it was approaching nine in the evening in sin city and i was already bone tired from working all day and flying five hours. my hands were covered in sticky residue from the red wine that i'd spilled on my traytable and i could barely breathe because the guy next to me smelled, literally, like salty overcooked roast beef. this was how my first trip to las vegas (which our dribbly-nosed, sunbaked, chef/bricklayer/hoover dam tour bus driver-on-a-soapbox-about-everything-that's-wrong-with-america told us translates to "the meadows") began.

las vegas, i was wrong about you.

i adored the damn place.

i liked the fact that all five of my senses were stimulated at once for prolonged periods of time. las vegas satisfied my restlessness and desire for distraction. it felt good to be doing things i don't usually do. money lost its meaning. time seemed irrelevant. we ran into celebrities, ordered room service, and spent hours luxuriating at the spa. it was so far from normal life that it felt like a real vacation.

mostly, though, i think i went to vegas at the right time in my life and with the right people. i had some extra cash to spend, so i wasn't overly concerned about how damn expensive it was. i am not so young that i was actively seeking or attracting mischief. on the other hand, i am not too old to wear fun outfits and thoroughly enjoy the free booze. i went with a nice-sized group of friends who share my general sentiments and with whom i always have a ball.

and. maybe the best part of going to las vegas is coming home to my normal wonderful life feeling that some of my restlessness has been massaged/gambled/partied away. in the best way.

i'm still on a jayhawk high

2008-04-11T12:15:00.000-04:00

here are a couple great pictures sent from my dad's neighbor, who was at the game on monday.

a dog's life for me

2008-04-04T10:32:00.000-04:00

a couple great shots of our family dog molly and our cat shadow. especially on rainy friday mornings, sitting here at my desk at work, i really wish i was running through a field or laying on a hot sunny porch.

indulgence

2008-02-15T10:23:00.000-05:00

i hope everyone had a wonderful valentine's day. i certainly did. without giving all of the scandalous details away, it involved the following: caramelized onions, a half of an oyster, a bottle of dessert wine that i bought in napa valley, a very bloody swiss-army-knife laceration, creme brulee, ella fitzgerald, and homemade bread. it felt like vacation.

my coffee deprivation is going well. maybe it's not connected, but i've been noticably less irritable. i feel like i've been sleeping better and i have been waking up at 5:00 a.m. (on purpose) without much trouble. i think it's fascinating that my little experiment is begetting unexpected results. the human body is so sensitive and reactive to stimuli - i'm realizing that i've been introducing a drug into my body every day for the past, oh, 10 years without even really thinking about it or its effects. now that i'm finally weaning myself off, i feel more normal, physically and emotionally, than i have in a long time.

and finally, i need to vindicate my boss. he did vote on tuesday.

voted

2008-02-12T07:49:00.000-05:00

i voted this morning! we went at 6am when the polls opened. there were news cameras and a reporter there and, despite the fact that it was a quiet, dark, cold morning and everyone was still sleepy, an air of . . . buzz. it felt great to vote because this time, more than i have in the past, i felt like i had a choice of candidates and i really, really like the candidate i voted for. though i made no secret of my early allegiance to this candidate, i tried to keep an open mind even until this morning. s. did even more than that- i'm pretty sure he made his final decision at the moment when he actually voted.

my boss despises hillary, yet he announced this morning that he's not going to vote today because "there's no point." i guess he senses that obama will win virginia with or without his vote. maybe so. but that's certainly not a sure thing like it might have been in other years and other primaries. and there's a point to voting even if your vote is technically "pointless," isn't there? the process is important - researching the candidates, listening to debates, thinking about what issues are the most important to you. plus, i always say that you can't complain if you don't vote. i told my boss that and he replied: "i won't complain." yeah right. nevertheless, it's his vote to do (or not do) with what he sees fit. i can't judge. but for me, it's a good morning when i can exercise my right to vote and vote for a candidate i really like.

a baby and no coffee

2008-02-05T09:46:00.000-05:00

hello!

things are good here. i have a brand new nephew, born on groundhog's day. i bought him a new york times, dated 02/02/08, to give him on his 30th birthday when i will be 60. he has huge feet and the biggest bottom the doctor had ever seen. i went to the hospital on sunday to meet him. it's surreal to introduce yourself to a new family member. i imagined him driving me places when i am too old to drive myself. i imagined him at my funeral. it made me happy to know that i will be survived and our generation will not be the end of us.

in addition, this morning, my coworker made us pancakes for fat tuesday, and the excess and abundance of this day got me thinking about lent. it's been a long time since i gave something up for lent, and i think that my making a commitment and taking 40 days to reflect on it would be a very positive thing for me to do at this point in my life. so i've decided to give up coffee, one of my most consistent and beloved habits. in addition, i am going to give away the money that i would have spent on my daily coffee (let's say $2.00 per day even though it's cheaper than that because i brew my own). wish me 100% dedication. and poise through what will likely be miserable caffeine withdrawal.

finally, my dance teacher seems to have finally chosen a song for our recital. we will be tap dancing, in full costume, to "mr. big stuff" by jean knight.

goodbye purple dinosaur

2007-12-17T08:42:00.000-05:00

i sold my 1992 honda civic on saturday, after driving it for 13 years and 131,000 miles. it was my first car, and it cost $10,000. i bought it using $5,000 of my own money: my mom and step dad paid the other half, as was our deal. i was 17, and it was the july before my senior year in high school. the car had a manual transmission, and so my first efforts to drive it were awkward and frightening. my friend lbt named it "the purple dinosaur," due to its mauve color and the fact that the headrests were shaped like brontosaurus heads. the name stuck and the car stuck to me. little did i know then how completely it would stick.

once i got over my fears of driving it, i made a "new car driving mix" mixtape. i rolled down all the windows and just drove. i'd never felt so independent. i pasted band stickers (obnoxiously) all over the back of the car: most of the bands i liked at that time didn't make stickers, so i made my own at kinko's. pavement, archers of loaf, blues explosion, a matthew sweet dinosaur. i also pasted some stickers on the interior, including an "i love math" sticker that was still on the rearview mirror on saturday when i sold it.

it would be impossible to recount all the places i went in that car, the people who rode in it with me, the things that happened in it, and the times it comforted me while i just drove and cried. but the highlights include a trip to the new jersey shore with my best girl friends, a trip to kansas with my sister to surprise my dad for his 50th birthday, towing it to washington, dc when i moved here in 2006, driving to chapel hill with ice and darkness and lcw to see superchunk and archers of loaf, and driving back to atlanta after graduating from law school.

the purple dinosaur never broke down, but in its golden years, it definitely lost some of the sparkle of youth. the radio was down to one crackly speaker, and i could no longer decipher what radio station i was listening to. the air conditioner was broken, and the car flooded when it rained. defrost was a hazy memory. one of the windows wouldn't roll down, and the driver's side door made a strange rattle when i shut it. it was heavily tattooed with scratches and dings. (i once ruined the finish on the hood with a brillo pad and blamed it on my brother). but it still ran like a dream.

i'll really miss the purple dinosaur. it was very hard to give it one last pat on saturday before driving off the lot with a brand new honda CRV. but it was time. things change and life recycles and we move on. i'm thankful that i've gotten to a point in my life when i have the means to replace my old car with a new one, and i will feel much safer on the road to georgia this christmas. i do feel a loss, but it's not a sad loss. just the feeling of knowing that my past is now officially in my past. i guess it's the feeling of growing up.

kingsolver miracle

2007-11-06T08:49:00.000-05:00

i just finished a book that has truly inspired me: barbara kingsolver's latest, animal, vegetable, miracle. i'm sure you've at least heard about this book, in which BK documents her family's year of eating locally and living (as much as possible) off of a few acres of land in rural Virginia. the book celebrates homemade food literally made from scratch, seasonal agriculture, and communing with the weather. i cannot recommend this book more fervently (the other day on the metro, a woman asked me whether i was enjoying the book and i desperately sang out "it's changed my life!") - it's that essential. it contains interesting botanical (the sex life of lettuce) and home-economical aspects (canning tomatoes and making homemade cheese), but it's a must read, in my opinion, because of the light it sheds on the staggering cost, both environmental and monetary, of eating, for example, fresh raspberries in the wintertime. the philosophy has seeped into my mind so much that i actually had a hard time eating raspberries at a friend's dinner party a couple weeks ago. it's a hard (well, impossible) philosophy to wholly embrace, but i think that just being aware of this stuff (so that it jumps into your head at the supermarket or at a restaurant) can make a big difference. and that's bk's point. and mine, i suppose, in writing this post. let me know what you think if you've read it or if you do read it!

cakewalk, october 1983

2007-10-10T11:07:00.000-04:00

numbered cardboard squares
duct-taped to the grayish utility carpet of my elementary school
arranged in a large wobbly circle,
one through twenty.
i put my "admit one" ticket into a coffee can
with a slot cut through its plastic top
and stand shyly on a cardboard number.
someone puts the needle down on the turntable
randomly in the middle of a song
from billy joel's "an innocent man" album
and we are startled into forward movement
to the next square, counter-clockwise.
i watch my shoes and walk large and slow
careful to secure my position firmly on a number
with each giant step.
i am glad to feel my mother watching me
her timid almost-six-year-old.
someone scratches needle from the vinyl and
i freeze on number ten.
when someone calls number ten, i'm red and bashful.
my embarrassment dissolves, though, when i realize
that i get to pick a whole cake
from all those cakes on that table
to take home
all for myself.

new autumn face

2007-10-05T10:22:00.000-04:00

last night, i made curried pumpkin soup in my new kitchen. the entire apartment smelled like american harvest mixed with exotic homestyle. the recipe called for pears, which i peeled and diced. i laughed because they kept slipping out of my hands. pears are such a nice shape and look so nice and naked when peeled. i recalled a painting that i did last fall of a threesome of pears. two of the pears were nuzzling each other and the third pear was slumping in the other direction, clearly solitary and not like the others.

i smiled to think that, if i were to paint pears this autumn, the painting would be so much different.

falls where?

2007-10-04T11:53:00.000-04:00

i apologize for neglecting my writing. last weekend, my boyfriend and i moved in together and i've traded my small basement apartment in the district for a very large suburban apartment in virginia. my life lately has been a constant blur of lists, worries, sweat, pizza, random cords, and garbage bags, with undertones of happy anticipation and vague, undirected panic. of course, you know how it is. you neglect things like blogs and bills and birthday presents. it's a strange transitional time and usually makes me miss my parents.

i'm very bipolar when it comes to change. i am constantly seeking new experiences, yet i also sort of hate them. this particular change has proved to be more major/life altering than i really expected, which means i had pretty uninspired expectations. big change number one is going from living alone to having a roommate. and not only a roommate, but one who wants to kiss me and be with me all the time. as someone who craves solitude and order and calm in an almost pathological way, my self-regulation system is sending out an SOS. don't get me wrong, i am smile-for-no-reason happy about my new situation. i'm just saying it's quite an adjustment, and a slow-dissolving one. i'm monitoring it, and i believe that, with time, this situation will feel, to me, as comfortable as kansas.

another major change stemming from this move is that i've started taking public transportation to and from work instead of driving. this change colors each new workday in a different, more pleasing, hue. i actually feel like a happier person because i don't have to spend 40 minutes a day driving my non-air-conditioned geriatric car in local DC traffic. it's as if i've been handed two free hours of relaxation time per day (my new commute is about 50 minutes each way by foot, bus, and train). i'm ecstatic to have time every day inside my head when i'm not tempted to attack my to-do list. anyway, so far so good with the commute, though it's probable my tune will change with the seasons.

what really matters though, is that i can still walk to several local bars. and i have representatives in congress.

exit isolationist

2007-08-21T08:02:00.000-04:00

my weekend marinating was a success! this picture is one of several i took during my saturday bike ride from my apartment in capitol hill to alexandria and back, along the mount vernon trail. it was ideal weather for a bike ride and i had a wonderful time. who knew that spending an entire saturday alone on a bike could be so satisfying? and on sunday, emma and i did an "urban hike" from my apartment up to dupont circle (where we ate, drank beers, and shopped), and then back to metro center. it always makes me happy to get out and live. next month, i am moving to a new apartment that's a bit out of the city, so i am especially glad that i spent my weekend soaking in the experience of living in the district. i also even did some writing. real writing, though it was only about 18 sentences.

it was a great weekend and i am ready to be social again! and i'm especially ready to see my boyfriend (who was in boston this past weekend for an engagement party).

marinate my olives

2007-08-16T13:53:00.000-04:00

olives are a pervasive force in my life. i love to eat them, especially green ones. they usually are such a perfect size and smooth and round in my mouth and so cool out of the fridge. i like them a little bit underripe, so that they pop a little when i eat them. i have been known to stand at the fridge, door open, and eat green olives by the jarful. i also use olive oil soap and olive oil body butter. even the word olive makes me happy, so soft and round. as an extra bonus, olives make me think of my late grandfather, who brought olives to all of our tables.

my mom made marinated olives this past weekend. the recipe was simple and called for tossing plain green and black olives with flavored and heated olive oil and then marinating them for a few hours in the fridge. post-metamorphosis, the olives glistened, dressed up and cold, in the oil and herbs. it's sometimes surprising that something so ultimate as an olive can be made even better by adding some heat and color, then some cold and time.

this weekend, i am going to marinate my own proverbial olives.

lots of intense, lovely thoughts have come to me this summer but they have been bumping around in my head like olives in a half-empty glass jar. raw, undecorated thoughts of love, change, friendship, growth, spirituality. i've been so busy that i haven't had a chance to process the things that have been happening around me and to me.

so- for the first time in probably years, i have an entire blank weekend ahead of me to marinate these thoughts and figure out how i feel about these subjects and my experiences this summer. i'm going to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and then i'm going to walk for miles and miles and then i'm going to soak. i will lie still and then i will agitate myself just to lie still again.

i'm quite positive that my thoughts will not end up glistening and gorgeous in a pewter serving dish, but at least they will feel more sorted, prettier, better. and it might even be quiet enough to write some of them down.

perspectives as a marine for the day

2007-07-13T11:36:00.000-04:00

yesterday my work colleagues and i visited the marine corps base in quantico, virginia. we toured the brig there where military detainees and prisoners are held for short periods. we stood in the tiny isolation cell where john hinckley jr was held after shooting president reagan. his name is carved into the wall. we hung out with the marine canine unit. the precision of training is incredible. massive 100-pound-plus german shepards can attack and desist at one syllable uttered from their trainers. we shot 9mm pistols and M16s. i am a surprisingly accurate shot with a pistol - who knew. the best part of the day, though, was navigating the night vision goggle obstacle course. we were divided into groups of five and equipped with heavy black headgear and night-vision goggles. then we were sent into the pitch black warehouse outfitted with every obstacle you can imagine. we scaled rock walls, swung on ropes, balanced on planks, avoided trapdoors, etc., all while being shot at by "carlos," the international terrorist. it was difficult to see what you were doing in the hazy green light of the night-vision and any misstep could cause serious injury. it was absolutely exhilarating to finish.
playing a marine for the day gave me a new perspective on what i do at my job every day and a renewed respect for the men and women of the military. their dedication and sacrifice is immeasurable.

first day of summer feels like spring

2007-06-21T09:58:00.000-04:00

yesterday was one of those days. it was supposed to be good because my boyfriend, who is a teacher and is finally out of school for the summer, came to see my office and met my coworkers and we went on a tour of the Supreme Court and enjoyed a private question-and-answer with the Court's longtime (now-retired) clerk. while the office visit and Court tour went well, our lunch conversation was intense and left me distracted and sad. a raging blister left me unable to go on a much-needed run and i spent the evening on my couch feeling sorry for myself watching veronica mars season one. i fell asleep with a book on my face at 9:30, missing the new topchef i'd been looking forward to (not that that's a tragedy since bravo replays episodes until we all have them memorized).

but today i woke up to stunning spring-flavored weather- it was 60 degrees when i took my dog for her walk. it's her birthday today! she's four. i arrived at work to a sweet email from my grandmother, an equally sweet email from my boyfriend (exclaiming the joys of unprocessed sugar and his desire to get into cheesemaking), and an email from my boss telling us to take off early today and tomorrow and enjoy the summer. my coworker and i are wearing the same exact shirt and have been getting laughs all morning. we are going to walk to the farmer's market on our lunch break and i will pick up some cave-aged cheddar that i've been craving. my vegetable box arrives today (what the hell am i going to do with the beets?) and tonight we are going to grill out and take the dog to petsmart for her birthday. i also hope we can get in a bikeride in this gorgeous weather.

that said, here's the quote of the day:

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis."
-Margaret Bonnano

happy first day of summer.

pickles and snot

2007-06-12T09:12:00.000-04:00

coming home from an errand on friday morning, i let my dog out onto the back patio. instead of scrambling up the cast iron stairs as usual (i live in a basement apartment), she beelined under the stairs and, in an act of "terrier"ism, she attacked a fuzzy pile of baby birds, each the size of a lime. eventually i was able to wrestle my dog from the melee, but it was too late for one bird and another was severely injured.

i was upset so i called animal control and they said to bring in peanut (the dead one) and bradley (the injured one). (s. and i named them after the fact. we named the two who survived pickles and snot). on the phone, the woman had the voice of a concerned and informed zookeeper; i assumed then and do now that when she told me that bradley was going to be sent to a rehabilitation park for injured birds, she meant it. after she inspected bradley when i arrived at animal control, the woman told me that they were baby starlings.

returning from animal control, i peeked out my window at the remaining two birds. it seemed that they'd recovered from the earlier trauma and the disappearance of their brothers because they were moving around in the leaves under the stairs. s. and i had a fun time watching them over the weekend; it felt like we'd acquired two new pets. by sunday night, though, they were bouncing around the bottom of the stairs like popcorn. we realized that they were learning to fly. it was cute; they were hopping around so much that, lying in bed sunday night, i could hear them hit the backdoor and the walls with each failed attempt. they gradually got higher and higher off the ground and, by monday night, each had flown away.

anyway, it was neat to watch. i'm sad they're gone but my dog is thankful she can go out onto the patio again.

vacationer

2007-06-07T15:34:00.001-04:00

my decision to take a trip to tortola was made while i was helplessly intoxicated after thanksgiving dinner. it was almost like i took a thousandth gulp of my white wine, looked away for a moment, and a real vacation landed in my lap, said "take me." now, i'm so glad that the vacation fairies were watching out for me that night.

this was the kind of vacation where you opt to take your big suitcase and pack more than one bathing suit and snorkeling gear. it was one where you stay for a week and actually unpack. even better, tortola is a place where you get no cell reception and it's just strange enough for the foreign-ness to be invigorating, but not so remote that it's a concern. being a beach baby is great on any beach for a week, but this was so much more than that. here are some highlights.

the roads were terrifyingly, vertigo-inducing steep. and not just steep in the normal up-and-down way, but they also were steep sideways, if you can imagine. the car we rented? a sentra. just drive on the left and try not to roll the car off into the ocean.

there was a music festival, mostly hip hop and reggae, on our beach the last two nights of our stay. wyclef played saturday and, although i was in bed by the time he went on, i could hear him playing while lying in my bed.

my favorite beach day was the day we took the sentra offroading to a secluded beach called smuggler's cove. the road there was not impassible but definitely undeveloped and rough. we were almost the only people on the beach that day and found it to provide the best snorkeling on the island. the best part, though, was patricia and esther, two sisters who camp out at smuggler's cove every day with their coolers and miniature charcoal grill and serve folks grilled chicken and frozen rum drinks and beer. they had to use a generator to run the blender for the frozen drinks!

a real vacation. worth every penny, every hour of annual leave used. next year we're sailing BVI.

this song describes my trip to the BVI

2007-05-30T16:59:00.000-04:00

island time
island time
island time
not a form of measurement, it's a state of mind.

i go down to the isle of tortola, the service here don't get no slowa.
the people here say 'man, hold your bladder,' here in the islands time does not matter. i said ok, could i have some conch fritters [we ate those. not very good]. not to worry mon, just don't get dee jitters. an hour later, i was still there sittin. island time, i was not smitten.

island time
island time
island time
not a form of measurement, it's a state of mind.

back on the conky joe, we hoist the sails. put up our feet and suck down some ales. i used to be a type-A real go-getter, but now island time is looking better. so we put on the mask and we go snorkel. and i don't wanna sound like no yokel, but i saw more beauty than i'd ever seen. now island time is looking mighty keen.

island time
island time
island time
island time

*guitar solo

at night we set right in to cane garden bay [this is where we stayed]. we had sat and swam and drank all day. but after a shower, a pina colada, and some dinner, island time is looking like a winner. i played my guitar down at quito's gazebo [this was across the road from our villas!], played jimmy buffet 'cause he is my hero. tourists and natives they pulled the plug man, island time is rubbing right off on me.

island time
island time
island time
not a form of measurement, it's a state of mind.

island time might move kinda slow. it's not for those who want to go go go. it's for those who want to lay and play on the sunny beach all day. next day we sailed across to jost van dyke [yep, we did that]. a laid back island that i really like. BVI mosquitos have bitten me good [you should see emma's legs], now island time is running in my blood!

island time
island time
island time
not a form of measurement, it's a state of mind.

***
i'll post some photos and more details soon!

kb at 15 months

2007-05-09T07:46:00.001-04:00

i think these pictures from my weekend in austin suffice to express how wonderful it was.

don't come lookin for me

2007-05-04T09:14:00.000-04:00

'cause i'll be in austin, texas this weekend, soaking up the hot sun, drinking margaritas, kissing that sweet toddler, and hugging my sister.

sweet face

2007-05-01T09:50:00.000-04:00

more coffeeshop woes

2007-04-27T14:05:00.000-04:00

emma d. and i semi-regularly meet at juan valdez for coffee and a girlfriend catch-up during the workweek. it's a perfect spot because the coffee is very good and it's about halfway between emma and i's offices. even better, although it's a chain, it's a fledgling chain operated by the National Federation of Coffee Growers of Colombia, with stock preferences going to the Colombian coffee growers and their families. even BETTER, it's across the street from a starbucks- with every customer who walks in to juan valdez, that's, in theory, one less going to starbucks, right?
sadly, just a few years after opening, our beloved juan valdez is closing its doors. on sunday. we met there today for the last time, sitting on our regular stools gazing out at the starbucks across the street and discussing where to go from here. i just think it's sad.
on a lighter note, there's another coffeeshop (independently owned and operated, i think) about halfway between emma and i's works which we should try next time. i hope the coffee is good, but that's not what's important, is it?

my dog is funny

2007-04-20T10:54:00.000-04:00

on our afternoon walk yesterday, my dog tried to eat a piece of food off the ground that was covered in ants and i had to spend about five minutes cleaning little ants out of her mouth. i was laughing so hard i had to sit down. not sure why that was so hilarious. later on last night, she fit three bones into her mouth at once and just walked around with them in there. despite the fact that sometimes i want to throw her into the dryer and turn it on, she does brighten my life most of the time. ;)
happy friday!

hello, i'm the apple farmer. would you like some cider?

2007-04-19T16:02:00.000-04:00

so i was just sitting here at work with my ipod on shuffle. and there was exactly 30 minutes left of work and what comes on but an archived HEAD TO HEAD episode!?! the "never again" episode! a perfect ending to a fairly regular day of work!

here are some things i (re)learned from that episode:

-the idea for "never again" was spawned because the space center is open longer than the main library on fridays!

-"never again" started at 1:06pm with a dance party at the Tate plaza.

- the dance party went until 3pm and then everyone relaxed.

- the bonfire started at 7:30pm at the dial america parking lot.

- the mascot of cairo high school (cairo, ga) is the syrupmakers.

- widespread panic has a key to the city of athens.

- the hot tub happened after the "never again" finale.

- "WUOG is the best station in the whole wide universe."

- the rubber capitol of the united states is akron, ohio.

- three words that end in g-r-y are hungry, angry, and flogry!

hold on

2007-04-17T08:39:00.000-04:00

i am very sad today about the tragedy at virginia tech. things seem very far from "business as usual."

bulldog dreams

2007-04-16T14:03:00.000-04:00

i had two bulldog football dreams this weekend. first, on saturday morning, i dreamt that i was lecturing my boyfriend about exactly how heartbreaking our 2006 losses to vandy and kentucky were. it was a serious and convincing talk: i had charts. on sunday morning, i dreamt that i was running laps with the whole football team and southerland started walking instead of jogging (he also had a mullett) and then acted like he was gonna just quit and walk back into the locker room! i would have none of that and i ran after him and gave him a stern pep talk about the meaning of georgia football. i convinced him to get back on the track and he finished with the rest of us.

i'm not sure why i'm dreaming of football in april. however, i have been missing georgia more than usual lately. maybe my valiant attempts to spread georgia love in my dreams should be realized with a visit to the atl. i am going to look into it.

starbucks article

2007-04-12T09:58:00.000-04:00

i was happy to read this article in the post this morning discussing what starbucks didn't say when they made the seemingly laudable PR claim "we spend more on health care for our employees than we spend on coffee."

ten of my favorite restaurants

2007-04-11T16:00:00.000-04:00

just straight from the top of my head, in no particular order.

1- the grit (athens, ga)
2- athens sushi bar (athens, ga)
3- agnes and muriels (atlanta, ga)
4- the salty iguana (prairie village, ks)
5- the highland tap (atlanta, ga)
6- bagelicious (marietta, ga)
7- matchbox (washington, dc)
8- la loma (washington, dc)
9- the majestic steakhouse (kansas city, mo)
10- east west bistro (athens, ga)

these all have in common, of course, really, really good food. but there's actually something more. in each of these restaurants, i have made a memory. in many of those restaurants, i have made several lasting memories. to me, these places are more than just places i like to eat. they are connected with people i love (and have loved). they are places where i have shared bottles of wine with girlfriends when we couldn't afford it (east-west) or told my mom that i was going to law school (bagelicious) or surprised my dad on his 55th birthday (the majestic). these are my spots, our spots.

what are your spots and why?

crap i'm a dufus

2007-03-30T14:45:00.000-04:00

last night i missed a once-in-a-blue-moon ween show (a friend emailed me the setlist this morning and i almost cried because it was so explodafabulous) so that i could clean my apartment for my guests who are coming into town this weekend.

have i LOST my MIND? geesh. next thing i know i'll find myself saying "sorry, i'm busy watching my dog eat her kibbles" when someone tells me there's a secret pavement reunion show at the house next door. i've GOT to get my priorities in line.

all things go!

2007-03-29T15:48:00.000-04:00

i just returned from a vacation to chicago and boy, i feel great. and not just because i got to catch up with some very dear girlfriends, or because i ate gobs of wonderful food, or because i had five full days to enjoy my boyfriend's company, or because our hotel had free beer in the lobby. i'm feeling great because of all those aspects of my trip and more. but mostly, i feel like i have been home (even though this was my first visit to chicago as an adult), soaking myself in wholesome midwestern culture. my own culture. the culture of kids like me who feel like they were raised in a sportsbar.

i wondered how midwestern chicago would seem to me, as it has very non-midwestern aspects such as public transportation and H&Ms and a beach. almost immediately after arriving, however, i was happy to feel myself tingle with that familiar feeling:

here you are, here you belong.

visiting chicago for me was the opposite of visiting a very foreign country. its midwesternness is almost intangible because it's such a big city. i mean, vince vaughn hangs out in a ritzy restaurant there: chicago is no stranger to glamour. but there's an air of appreciation of the simple things in life (like sports, beer, hotdogs, and popcorn) and the atmosphere feels uncomplicated, almost lackadaisical, and generous. at any rate, i had a lovely time and i'm looking forward to making chicago a usual stop in my lifelong tour of the world.

robin hood, prince of thieves

2007-03-20T21:19:00.000-04:00

i love this movie. LOVE IT. i recently rented it and found myself rewinding scene after scene just to see it one more time. i also found myself scribbling down quotes as i watched. here are the highlights:

"You whine like a mule. You are still alive."

"Did you believe the charges?"
"Not even when they took my eyes."

"I will not rest until my father is avenged."

"Either we take our chances with the ghosts or become ghosts ourselves."

"Locksley, I'm going to cut your heart out with a spoon."
"Then it begins."

"Now sew. And keep the stitches small."

"Tell the sheriff for every harm he does to those people, I will visit it upon him tenfold."

"Just a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public... and they love him for it?"

"...and call off Christmas!"

"Do you yield?"
"I'd rather roast in hell."

"Well at least I didn't use a spoon."

"Do you mind, Locksley? We've just been married."

and my absolute favorite:

"What I want to know, brother, is are you going to stay with us, and finish what you've started?"

if you haven't seen this movie, you must. alan rickman gives the best villain performance of all time and kevin costner is watchable, i promise. bryan adams is far from prominent.

weekend of food!

2007-03-19T14:51:00.000-04:00

i had a totally perfect food/drink weekend.

friday dinner: homemade pizza - refrigerated pizza dough topped with pizza sauce, mozzarella, chicken, sundried tomatoes, artichokes, feta cheese, and broccoli. pre-dinner drink- a couple shots of jameson irish whiskey.

saturday lunch: pho (vietnamese noodle soup) from Pho 75. i topped mine with siriachi sauce, lime, and fresh basil. to drink- cold vietnamese coffee with condensed milk

saturday dinner: hosted a small dinner party- we made corned beef and cabbage, potato pancakes, and irish soda bread. mint chococate brownies for dessert. to drink- irish car bombs, lime green miller lite, more jameson shots, and baileys.

sunday lunch: oh hangover taco bell burrito supreme! drink- moutain dew.

sunday early dinner: falafel and fries from Amsterdam Falafel Shop. i topped mine with purple cabbage, hummus, z sauce, and cucumber.

madness

2007-03-16T09:17:00.000-04:00

i loved seeing duke lose last night! i was also happy for vandy! i'm currently in last place in my office pool! i have my jayhawk socks on!

KU's all in.

2007-03-12T12:49:00.000-04:00

rock chalk jayhawk!

not only do i love this tournament, but my dad's (and mom's and grandparents' and aunts' and uncle's) college team (and the team i was raised to root for) is a number one seed. this past weekend, i watched the KU/K-State game (Big 12 tournament semifinals) with my dad in kansas city. this is a real treat, since he's probably the biggest KU fan in the world. he's such a fan that he very rarely is seen not wearing something with a jayhawk on it. even during the off-seasons. he's such a fan that you can barely talk to him during the game and if KU is up by 20 points with three minutes left, he's still not sure they'll win. his wife, my stepmother, is positive KU's lost the game at that point, insisting that it "smells like texas tech."

so this weekend they kept using the term "raining tres." have you heard of this term or did they make it up? whenever the other team starts hitting their three-pointers, my dad screams, "oh shit, they're raining tres on us!" at first, i thought he was saying that it was "raining trays" (like cafeteria trays), and i was totally confused. emma discovery cleared this up for me later. anyway, i think this is a kickass term and so i think we should all use it during the tourney.

also, if you are watching KU, when russell robinson scores, you can yell "new york new york," 'cause he's from central harlem. and keep brandon rush in your sights cause he's nice to look at, has a nice name, and is pretty damn good at basketball. finally, remember to "wave the wheat" when KU wins. (stand up with your arms in the air and wave your arms side to side slowly so you look like wheat).

warning- this is a heavy post for a bright thursday afternoon

2007-03-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

the past remains. it is impossible to obliterate memories. one must actively recover from the past: covering it up with a layer of time changes no facts. this is good. it forces us to analyze why we did the things we did, how life has altered us, the purpose of making mistakes, and where to proceed knowing what we now know. i am glad for it. but the process makes me ill at ease.

today i am unwillingly processing some memories of my last relationship. basically, i thought that i had thrown away some photographs that reminded me of it, but they literally came back to me yesterday in the mail with a note "i found these in your old office." (my old coworker meant no harm. they were pictures of myself two birthdays ago). then, today i had lunch with a friend from atlanta and our conversation sent memories hurtling toward me like a great school of small fish. i am powerless to avoid the unwinding of this spool of thought so i will indulge it.

here are the thoughts as they unfurl:

i did that. i really did. it was me then. i erred, slipped, misplaced myself. i lost touch. i forced. i used. i did all the dishes. it went on too long. i forgot athens. i asked nothing. i felt safe in an unsafe place. i wanted security! but i absorbed abuse! it was me there! the girl who won the writing award and the citizenship award. uncherished. solid person melted. i cannot change it. i was. it's happened. so blind. it's done. dry.

but at the end of the spool:

all of our experiences are meaningful. it's especially our poor choices that make us who we are. i needed that relationship for so many reasons and its beginning, middle, and end has landed me, plink, where i am right now. it was relationship practice. and now i feel like i've gotten it exactly right.

another top ten

2007-03-07T10:21:00.000-05:00

my top ten food/food or food/drink pairings/combinations

1 coffee and doughnuts
2 rare filet mignon and red wine
3 canned tuna, saltines, cream cheese, and tomato
4 apple and peanut butter
5 toasted sourdough bread and butter
6 diet coke and pretzels
7 velveeta and ro*tel
8 bleu cheese and ott's famous dressing
9 bacon, lettuce, and tomato
10 italian dressing and cucumbers

top ten ingredients

2007-03-06T15:55:00.000-05:00

i often say that a particular food item is on my list of "top ten" favorite foods. and equally as often, i eat a bite of my dish at a restaurant and declare that it's the best food i've ever had. yes, i know that i tend to exaggerate about my favorite things, especially food. so i thought i would make a concrete list of top ten favorite foods at this moment in time, march 6, 2007 at 4:04 p.m., just so that i would know when i was officially eating one of my favorite foods. as i was composing my list, i realized that the topic was way too broad. there are so many different categories of favorite foods: favorite sandwiches, for example. then, you get into whether you want to list favorite generic sandwiches (grilled cheese with tomato) or sandwiches from particular places (chicken cuban sandwich from caliente cab). the lists that i could make up are practically limitless! so today's list is going to be top ten favorite ingredients. i thought i would start with an easy one. this means the food item must be an ingredient (peanut butter counts because in its purest form it is one ingredient and recipes can sometimes call for "peanut butter") and it should not be a food item associated with a particular brand or restaurant. okay, here goes. these are not in any particular order. or maybe they are.

my top ten ingredients of the moment

1 crunchy peanut butter
2 green olives
3 salt
4 shrimp
5 edamame
6 feta cheese
7 artichoke hearts
8 broccoli
9 flank steak
10 bananas

i'm going to go make a pizza topped with all ten ingredients!

february ends

2007-02-28T11:27:00.000-05:00

surprise! i have had a thrilling, bedazzled february without a hint of my usual discomfort.

highlights included:

-a chili cookoff where our chili won "most likely to be found in a DC public school cafeteria"

-a trip to teddy roosevelt island and gazing out at the beautiful georgetown waterfront

-hiking with the dogs in charlotte

-SNOW! and watching my dog enjoy the snow

-valentine's day love

-going to the national gallery and natural history museum with some really fun kids

-the oscars

-tasting sauerkraut for the first time (i LOVED it)

-subscribing to martha stewart living

-discovering the joys of getting my produce delivered

oscar thoughts

2007-02-23T12:31:00.000-05:00

i love the oscars, even though most of the time, the actual show makes me angry. at least this year ellen is hosting- ellen and i are kindred spirits if only because we are both dancing queens all the time, no matter what the music or circumstance. i was pretty pissed off about jon stewart last year, as i am apparently the only person in the world who doesn't love him. (that being said, i watched his news program on comedy central on monday night... i think it's called the daily show or something like that ... and i did laugh. a lot. so i am ready to concede that he's funny. but that doesn't mean i embrace him as an oscar host. in my opinion, billy crystal is the one and only. but we'll see about ellen).

ANYWAY, this year i saw even fewer movies than ever. my favorite movie of 2006 was definitely NOT nominated, although i can't think right now of what it was. i did see "letters from iwo jima" on work time (because i do military law?) and almost threw myself into a pothole afterwards. i hated the devil wears prada. i LOVED volver and wish it had been nominated for best foreign film. but really, i shouldn't be talking. i haven't seen anything!

my favorite category is best original screenplay. this year, the nominees are babel, letters from iwo jima, little miss sunshine, pan's labyrinth, and the queen. (pan's what? is david bowie in that movie?) i'm going with little miss sunshine, as i saw it and can remember one line from the movie: "where's olive?" that was a funny line.

this oscar sunday, i am making ribs for my boyfriend's birthday and then i'm going to sit with my ballot and my baileys on ice (my new favorite drink: am i the picture of sophistication or what?) and try not to squirm when they announce clint eastwood for another directing nomination. hurrah, though, it's scorcese's year. happy oscars, everyone!

cod liver oil

2007-02-13T11:23:00.000-05:00

is truly wonderful stuff to help counter red winter-face. it's also supposed to elevate your mood, make your hair soft and shiny, and improve your brain function! i take a teaspoon every morning. getting the right brand is essential if you don't want to throw up. i recommend this one. it's available at whole foods!

february muse

2007-02-01T08:44:00.000-05:00

february has always turned out to be my worst month, mercifully short. on paper, february shines: there are a million reasons why i should love it. it contains valentine's day (a holiday i have always liked), several birthdays of dear friends and loved ones, and president's day (off). for many years, the weekend of february 9th meant a trip somewhere to celebrate an anniversary. february also plays host to the superbowl (in the past few years at least) and the oscars: two sundays i have always looked forward to. in addition, i like the spelling of the word february, as well as the colors pink and red.

but i'm always prone to depression, irrationality, overeating, itchiness, and dehydration in february. in february, my clothes don't fit, i'm dry and scaly, my tastebuds revolt, i forget to drink enough water, and, instead, i'm constantly drinking alcohol. i become mischevious, disobedient, irresponsible, messy, and catty. this phenomenon is documented. my face is becoming blotchy, bloated, and red as i write this. i'm a february monster.

here's proof- it's the first day of february and already i'm hungover at work, i'm wearing dirty clothes, i've sneezed about a thousand times, and i ate a chocolate shake for breakfast. i don't even like chocolate. see? irrational, irresponsible, and noisy. and it's only day one.

where are you watching the superbowl, atlanta?

2007-01-30T12:26:00.000-05:00

i especially miss my old atlanta gang today because of the superbowl. this week, as i have been trying to plan what i will be doing on sunday during the game, i've posed this question to several friends: "what are you doing for the superbowl?" if i had asked four separate friends, i would have found out about four separate parties. such is the dynamic of my dc social life. nothing's wrong with variety and i don't mean to complain.

but in atlanta, the question was "where are we watching the superbowl?"

i guess today i just miss the comfort of having a unspoken standing appointment for football games, ween concerts, birthdays, etc, with a large group of favorite and familiar people. it's not that i don't have anyone to watch the superbowl with. it's that it's different this year because i won't be with fifteen of my dearest friends.

so, tell me, atlanta, where are you watching the superbowl? i need to know where to be in spirit, yelling at both defenses to [insert curse word] both quarterbacks.

snow as metaphor for love

2007-01-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

it snowed on sunday here in dc: our first snow of the season. it began with tiny, dry flurries. i first noticed the snow as i looked out the window of a thai restaurant in rockville. the snow continued as i drove back into the city, falling more densely, but still dry, and making swirly, dusty patterns on the highway. it was beautiful to watch, but, after noticing that some cars were sliding around and seeing a truck spin off the road, i was terrified. my boyfriend* transformed into a driving coach and, after he calmed me down, we exited onto the surface roads so that i could drive as slowly as i wanted. the snow was still falling in small flakes but getting wetter and heavier and bigger. it was gathering in the grass and on the sidewalks. i finally felt safe driving, puttering embarrassingly slowly down connecticut avenue.

we got to dupont circle and parked. after grabbing hot chai from teaism, we just walked around for a while in the snow. by that time, the sky was dropping huge wet flakes all over us- it was getting in my hair and my face and my coat and i loved it. i stomped around, feeling like a kid. we popped quickly into kramer books and the phillips before stomping gleefully back to the car. it was an easy drive home, especially with "sorry miss jackson" playing on the radio. seemed like such a summer song until sunday.

by the time we got back to my apartment, the snow had become a blanket, thick and cozy. we took the metaphor literally and napped. and this is the interesting part. when we woke up, the snow had matured somehow. it was starting to get dark outside and the snow was still falling hard and with purpose. it became time to think about the realities of the snow. get out the salt and the ice scraper and the shovel. will we have to go to work and school in the morning? is it a good idea to drive to the store to get food for dinner? it was like, in the time that it took for us to take a nap, we'd become adults dealing with the snow, rather than children playing in it.

what switched? what happened to make something light and carefree into something still so beautiful but serious and real and consequential? it was the passage of time and the fact that the snow continued to fall. it was still snowing but everything was different.

*yes, boyfriend.

no greedy wishes

2007-01-17T11:47:00.000-05:00

today is the 301st anniversary of ben franklin's birthday. funny, because i visited his grave in philadelphia this past weekend. it was a satisfyingly humble grave, and i was happy to be so close to such an interesting person. i stood there for a few moments and silently asked ben for brilliant thoughts.

anyway, for some reason, people had thrown change onto the concrete gravestone slab. we thought: hmmm, why make a wish on someone's grave? but, just because it seemed like the thing to do, my friend tossed a coin through the fence onto ben's grave. it bounced off and rolled back at us and into the street. ha!
we picked up the coin and concluded it was fitting that we didn't get an extra wish, since, earlier that day, we had thrown a dime (mine) and a quarter (his) into a fountain inside the philadelphia museum of art. amazingly, our coins had landed on top of each other. of course, this was magical and made it practically certain that our wishes would come true.

clearly, ben was reminding us that our third coin toss was unnecessary and could have even negated our miraculous art museum throws. thus, even from the grave, ben franklin reminds us to appreciate what we've been given and to consume only so much luck and magic as we need.

i love restaurant week

2007-01-10T16:47:00.000-05:00

it's restaurant week here in dc. i took full advantage of this opportunity to visit some of washington's best restaurants for much cheaper than usual. the prix fixe menus cost $20 (lunch) or $30 (dinner). this is an extraordinary price, considering what i ate. wednesday, i went to Ceiba for lunch. thursday for lunch, i went to Cafe Atlantico. thursday for dinner, i tried Poste.

ceiba:
my starter was cuban black bean soup. the waiter brought me a large white eye-shaped bowl that was empty save for a small lump of fried ham and cheese that was sitting in a nest of pickled red onions. the waiter poured the black bean soup over the lump and nest. the broth needed salt but it was delightful combined with a bite of the fried cheese lump and a sliver of the vinegary onion.
my entree was absolutely phenomenal. i ordered the sugarcane skewered ahi tuna that was served over peruvian fried rice. the tuna was seared rare and melted in your mouth. the rice was doused in an orange oily sauce that was spicy, salty, and intoxicating. both of my dining companions chose this entree as well- all three plates were licked clean and all three of us were practically sobbing with delight. our orgasmic reaction to this dish was almost embarrasing.
for dessert, i chose the guava bread pudding with citrus moussse. it was sweet and warm and soft, as expected, but i didn't fall out of my chair. frankly, after the tuna, it would have been impossible to please me further. i left ceiba with quite a food high.

cafe atlantico:
my starter was poached shrimp served over liquified corn and lemon foam. i took each little shrimp and coated it in the corn sauce and lemon foam. pop. i didn't want it to end.
my entree was a sandwich. oh but listen. a spicy seared salmon, goat cheese, and cucumber sandwich! the salmon was perfectly still dark in the middle and when i squished the sandwich and tasted it, the flavors all drooled together and it was messy and spicy and satisfying. plaintain chips on the side. i would have prefered another sandwich on the side, but i guess that's not normally how it's done.
dessert. oh holy heaven. this was hands down, the best chocolate cake i have ever eaten. picture a cupcake sized and shaped ball of cake. looks totally normal. but cut into it and - - oh, oh, oh, chocolate sauce! you came oozing out all over! this delight was served with banana mousse and little lime-coated banana slices on the side. again, my dining companions and i all ordered the same dessert and again, we were sliding out of our chairs with gooey chocolate smiles on our faces. i wanted to smear the banana mousse on my face, get inside the chocolate cake cave, and swim with the sauce, using a banana slice for floatation. it was that fucking good.

poste
my final (sob!) meal was also spectacular. for my starter, i chose the soup of the day, which was a sunchoke broth served over a smoked whitefish and caviar. like at ceiba, the bowl came out with the little smoked fish in the middle topped with caviar and then the waiter poured the broth over it. now, i am usually not that adventurous but i was so glad i ordered this soup. it was light and mysterious and fun. the little caviar beads popped in my mouth and i finished my glass of shiraz with rosy cheeks.
my entree was a black striped bass served over potatoes and topped with a merlot-poached egg, a caper sauce, and some greens. another slam dunk. striped bass is a very solid fish and held up well with the other flavors. i was hesitant about the poached egg, but it lent a necessary elegance to the dish that made it even more special. i polished off my second glass of shiraz and felt victorious, warm, and simply adored by the chef. he or she must really love me to prepare me a dish like that. i also felt adored by my dining companions. ah- it could have been the wine at that point.
dessert was a philadelphia almond cake, which consisted of a round almond-based shortcake covered in sweet cream cheese, apples, and nuggets of powdered-sugar dusted crumbles. another success. although i probably will never really fully enjoy another dessert again after my chocolate cake bath.
finally, we were served with three types of petit fours- an almond bar, a pomegranite gellie, and a chocolate-dipped gooseberry. lord help us all.

ah life. i am full, adored, pink, and puffy. three extraordinary meals in two days. yum.

more evidence of the death of paper

2007-01-04T08:24:00.001-05:00

due to the availability of audiobooks, only ten percent of blind children in this country learn to read Braille.

progress like this makes me immeasurably sad. i'm sure blind children are free to learn Braille if they want to and, when given the choice, simply prefer listening to a book or the newspaper. it's advancement. technology. i accept that.

during my drive to atlanta for christmas, i listened to my very first audio book. it was alice sebold's "the lovely bones" and i liked it. it made the drive infinitely less boring. but have i "read" the book? i don't feel like i have. there's something about holding a book in your hands, feeling its weight, and smelling its spine that's part of the act of reading. i like making stacks of books on my bedside table, using friends' business cards or photos as bookmarks, carrying books in my purse simply to weigh my bag down. and this is why the fact that Braille is a dying art makes me sad. with it's decline, comes the decline of the physical book in the world of these children. of course, the very act of reading is visual. and thus, by virtue of that fact, a blind person will never be able to "read" a book like i can. nonetheless, i still believe that books are something that even blind children should experience because they are more than the words on the page. we should be seasoning their lives with libraries instead of handing them headphones.

new years reflections

2007-01-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

this morning i woke up in a strange bed and it was a very good thing. for breakfast, i had the most delicious bacon and cheddar scone and a coffee (footnote: it was starbucks, but i didn't know it until they handed me my cup. i can't be blamed for that. it admittedly was delicious coffee and i had three hours of sleep last night so i drank it.) it was a drizzly gray day here in dc, but even so, i was amazed at the beauty of my new city as i rode back to my apartment. i spent most of the day on the couch watching football and importing cds into my new ipod. i made cheddar beer soup, napped, and received a call telling me not to report to work tomorrow in honor of the passing of ford. yessss!
so ok. i'm rested and recovered and ready to give some freestyle reflections on 2006.
it was a long year for me. seems ages ago that i was in charlotte eating lobster tails last new year's eve. i think i cried more in 2006 than i have ever cried in all of the other years combined, as many of you know (and thank you for enduring me). i attended several breathtaking weddings and threw two bachelorette parties, i had one bad breakup and finally (yes, finally!) got over my first love, i got a tattoo, i moved away from georgia.
i am still standing.
in fact, i am smiling. i am thrilled about 2007. i will be turning 30. i am living in one of the most beautiful and exciting cities on earth. i love my job. i have health and optimism and i have stopped crying, sometimes to my own dismay and astonishment. finally, i can't wait to see what matthew stafford does in 2007. (he's too young for me, right? did you see that david greene-esque play fake on saturday? i almost died).
happy new year everyone! love love love.

and this just made me really happy.

coworker quote of the day

2006-12-19T12:04:00.000-05:00

me: barbara! fast food! what are you eating?

barbara: my "i don't have a tumor" whopper.

kbear

2006-12-18T08:03:00.000-05:00

baby jayhawk.

waking felt funny

2006-12-15T10:54:00.000-05:00

feeling extremely jittery and unsettled today. can't concentrate on work to save my life. woke up sobbing from an extreme dream involving my dad, a pumpkin flavored chicken wing, "bradley" from project runway, black-tie attire, sex, richmond, virginia, and random friends popping in giving me advice. whew. how can you recover when your day begins like that?

my favorite toy

2006-12-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

i just purchased a christmas toy for my neice and it got me thinking about my childhood christmases and the favorite toys that i received. i think my number one toy of all time was this fisher price little people camper. i had this exact set with those four people. the seats in the car folded down! the table had a food sticker on it! the family usually would drive somewhere really cool in their camper (like the living room rug) and then set up camp. then they'd take the boat out in the bathtub. after this adventure, they'd get back to camp and the dad would grill out and the kids would "lounge" or ride the motorcycle and the mom would make dinner inside. then everyone would sit at the table and eat. and then they'd all go to sleep. pretty damn exciting. why did i love this so much? maybe because i wanted that life. maybe because i love vacations. maybe because it was one of my only cool toys. i still have it somewhere.

aloof

2006-12-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

aloof: (adj) removed or distant either physically or spiritually and usually by choice and with indifference to the feelings, opinions, or interests of others
(from merriam-webster's unabridged dictionary)

my newest dc friend used this word in a sentence yesterday. he was describing someone. the word stuck in my head. it was like i immediately needed to know more about it and what it means. so i guess i'll write about it for a minute so i can see what i think about it.

i don't see myself as aloof. it's a mysterious quality to me. for some reason, the word conjures thoughts of one of my favorite scenes in moby dick. the word aloof describes, to a tee, the character of ahab. to sum up his personality in one word is to say that he's aloof. at the very least he's aloof. but the scene i'm thinking of has nothing to do with ahab. in fact, it envisions the exact opposite of aloof.

in this scene, the crew is processing the oil (spermicetti) from a freshly killed sperm whale. it's so cool- they have to dip their hands into this big tub of the oil and squeeze the lumps out. ishmael adores the physical feeling of squeezing the oil and his narrative becomes almost frenzied with delight. as he's squeezing the oil, he accidentally grabs the hands of the other sailors. this is the passage i love:

Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continuously squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say, - Oh my dear fellow beings, why should we longer cherish any social acerbities or know the slightest ill-humor or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other.

okay, i know that's a bit homoerotic and over-emotional. but i also think it provides the perfect foil for ahab. and the perfect opposite to the word "aloof." it also describes me when i am with people i love. in fact, maybe the opposite of aloof is love.

i'm still me?

2006-12-05T09:39:00.000-05:00

last night i spent a contemplative hour listening to soulful music and flipping through my old high school and college scrapbooks. if you are my friend and you are reading this, you can be certain that, last night, i laughed at a picture of you wearing some silly outfit and making some silly face. you may have had marker on your face and arms. it was nice to reminisce with all of you even though i'm miles away from most of you.
it did strike me how young we all looked. not just our faces: our fashion sense was not fully developed, our haircuts were cheap and not quite stylish, our choice of venues was unsophisticated. i remember having a "dinner party" in college in which i served beer and spaghetti and gave everyone a washcloth because i hadn't bought paper napkins. i remember feeling like a real adult having a dinner party. but that young me seems so distant from who i am now. looking at my face in some of the photos, it was hard for me to believe that i am the same person.

in one of my favorite built to spill songs, doug marsch sings "it's hard to believe / that after all this time / after all this, i'm / still me." yes!

it's almost unfathomable to think that my current self is the same self as the one who threw that "dinner party" and who would have died if anyone knew i failed my driver's test twice in the same day. (yep, at two different locations). then, i was obsessed with being cool, fitting in, being included. perhaps that's why i was obsessed with documenting it in photographs. it's as if i needed proof that i mattered in athens.

i feel like i am becoming more like my real self with each day that passes. i am comfortable in my skin. i snort with abandon. i can handle being alone. i am not constantly trying to please or impress. i know my comfort-level.

i like aging. i'm inching closer and closer to authenticity.

bvi, here i come... in six months

2006-11-30T14:40:00.000-05:00

this afternoon, i booked a trip to tortola !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i will be going in may and staying a whole week.
on the beach.
with some good friends.
a real vacation.
much needed.

(wow, i am giving myself a lot of gifts lately).

oh this world

2006-11-28T10:43:00.000-05:00

today is a very special friend's birthday. happy birthday to you, sweet old-soul friend. your golden birthday. it's a comfort to know you've made it twenty-eight years. always be careful. the world is a better place because you are here, always laughing.

softhearted no more

2006-11-27T12:42:00.000-05:00

i am sad to announce that my soft unguarded heart has been broken again.

resolution: i must build a battlement to protect it.

so say goodbye to the all-loving, trusting, forgive-and-forgetting, i-love-you-forever-no-matter-what person you know me to be.

enter steel. no longer will i freely give love. i will demand profits. i will work you to the core.

i have often said that the world is too harsh a place for my soft heart. but now i realize that the opposite is true. my unconditional, steadfast love is too sweet for this world. now i'm reserving it only for myself.

birthdays are for love

2006-11-20T14:14:00.000-05:00

i had one of the best birthdays in years. not that all of my other birthdays were bad- to the contrary, i have always had kickass birthdays, surrounded by lots of friends and food and alcohol. huge drunk vacation birthdays. this birthday was exceptional and different because it was small and intimate and i remember most of it. it was just me and two girlfriends with some fancy dinner reservations. there was no pressure to talk to everyone or open gifts in front of a group or drink every drink that i was handed. it was simple and elegant, but, after creme brulee, quickly turned rowdy. we drank martinis (mine a free grey goose extra dirty), ate steak (mine a medium rare filet), and met boys (the one i wanted to take home was an andrew firestone lookalike. the one who sat with me on my front porch at 2 am looked like a young dustin hoffman. not bad). all in all, a perfect night, save for the hangover the next day and the zillions of people i only slightly remember drunk dialing. oops.

thank you everyone for making me feel so loved on my 29th.

a writing life

2006-11-16T11:17:00.000-05:00

i am buying myself a computer for my birthday. this means that i finally will begin writing creatively again. writing is one of the few things i am really damn good at and when i am not writing in some capacity, be it journaling, writing memos at work, or blogging, i am somewhat incapable of really knowing how i feel about things. writing is how i figure myself, and the world, out. when i am writing, i am happy. oblivious. whole. in this vein, novelist Andrea Barrett has said: "It's hard to explain how much one can love writing. If people knew how happy it can make you, we would all be writing all the time. It's the greatest secret of the world." i totally agree.

it seems the stars are aligning for a (hopefully) spectacular and productive writing period for me. i just moved to a new city and i am not dating anyone. as a result of both, i am spending long contemplative evenings alone. i also have been actively working on self-discovery and self-repair, which is generating heaps of ideas, thoughts, and feelings. basically i have the time, motivation, and fodder. and now i will have the hardware! happy birthday to me.

yay blue

2006-11-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

i love myself some blue congress!

my weekend

2006-11-06T16:25:00.000-05:00

was great. it was the first weekend that i can remember that i have not had a drop of alcohol from start to finish. i woke up at 6:30 am on satruday and 7:30 am on sunday. i went hiking in the mountains. i made pot roast in the crock pot. i ate a fresh hot apple-cinnamon doughnut from The Apple House. i went to church. i didn't cry, transmit any diseases, drive drunk, or vomit.

can this weekend get better than that?
can you bring it atlanta?

i can't resist

2006-11-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

one reason to love october

we all cry "november!"

2006-11-02T13:07:00.000-05:00

i want november to slow down already. i used to think october was my favorite month until this past october, which, for me, was filled with anxiety and lonliness and just the general strangeness of having just moved to a new city. i had a hard time exjoying the pumpkins at all the doorstops and the bright fall foliage. i didn't feel like dressing up for halloween. i made chili and beef stew, but it didn't feel right. it was too sunny outside. too warm. and everyone seemed too happy.
then came november. already its been better- there's been a shift in the weather- it's cooler and rainy and feels like fall. the light is different, and darker, and makes me feel cozy after work as i walk my dog. i ate dinner last night with my two female coworkers- i feel like i have made two new friends. and now that it's november, it's that much closer to my trip home to atlanta.

wednesday slice of life

2006-10-25T10:03:00.000-04:00

i just ate this (in apple). i had these impressions simultaneously:
"oh my gosh, what is this white stuff? gross!"
and
"wow, but kinda good. i think i'll eat the whole thing."

also- i realized today i have been using the same hairbrush since the summer of 1998. i remember buying it - i had to pick one up in london because i had forgotten to pack mine.

let's all smile and enjoy today.

may sarton

2006-10-23T16:38:00.000-04:00

i am currently devouring May Sarton's "Journal of A Solitude." i love it so much and have to read it with pen in hand, underlining as i go. its been a singular help to me, too, as i've been dealing lately with what might be a depression of sorts. (big moves and life changes do that to people, i assume). her writing reminds me of the Emerson I read in college- Emerson always revealed a truth about the world, sometimes a sad truth, but bolstered it with some positiveness. she does that for me. here are some May Sarton quotes- i hope you enjoy them as much as i have. she was a prolific writer and i can't wait to read more.

Sometimes one has simply to endure a period of depression for what it may hold of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands.

Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help.

Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and pure foolishness.

birthdays

2006-10-17T16:28:00.000-04:00

today my best friend from eighth grade turns 29 years old. it is rainy here in dc but she lives in new york. i've been thinking of her all day and hope she's having a special day that she'll remember for a long time. especially if it's raining there.

there's something so solid-seeming about the fact that one of my oldest friends is 29 years old and lives in new york city and works as a photographer for a major fashion magazine. like it somehow means i must have turned out okay too. when we were younger we'd always wonder who we would become, where we would live, who we would marry. and on her 29th birthday, we now know at least more of the story.

but while i feel connected to her success and happy in it, i also feel very far away from her today. it's just strange that october 17 used to be such an important day in my life - a day that i always circled on my calendar and filled up with plans - is now just a normal day, even though i'm thinking of my friend and i sent her a card and will call her tonight.

so- i'm going to go ahead and celebrate her birthday tonight, make today special again. i think i'll try to make that weird meat-and-rice-ball dinner she loves so much: hedgehogs!

on my mind today

2006-10-11T14:25:00.000-04:00

is having a dishwasher changing me? i know that sounds like a dumb thing to be thinking about but, during the last five years when i didn't have a dishwasher, i really enjoyed telling people that i didn't have one. it was like being a stubborn old person unwilling to accept new-fangled technology. i liked being like that- it reminded me of how i'm like my dad sometimes.
so now that i have one, i feel that i've become less interesting. it's not that i love doing dishes by hand, i just loved having something different to say about dishwashers. now i have a clean new apartment that was not built in 1910 and has a working dryer and garage door opener and garbage disposal and it's making me feel really ... regular.

(actually, i'm lying- i did have a dishwasher in my old house- i just never learned how to use it. partially by choice, partially because it was the size of a toaster oven.)

i guess i just feel like the modernization of my home life is eroding some of what makes me captivating and/or weird (however you'd like to define it), which is something i like about myself. it's not that i want to start pretending like i don't know how to work my dishwasher. but maybe i will start writing poetry about the joys of not having one.

it's beautiful in austin i know it

2006-10-05T15:11:00.000-04:00

look at that face. i wish i was in austin this weekend with my mom and sister and this beautiful baby. she looks like her daddy in this picture but i can see my sister in that attitude. isn't it funny how much you can love someone who can't yet talk? it changes your life, it really does.

how do i answer that?

2006-09-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

my 10-year high school reunion is in november and i received a questionnaire in the mail asking for all the usual identifying information. easy. ok, i won't go to the damn thing, but i'll at least send in the questionnaire. but the questionnaire also has two questions calling for a narrative response. first: "what have you been doing since high school?" second: "what is your favorite memory from high school?" these will be published in a "memory book." i'm limited to 3 sentences.

i seriously sit down at my desk on a daily basis and try to answer question one without seeming boring. i inevitably do.

"I went to college, graduated, screwed around for a while, went back to school, got my law degree, and now i have a 'real job.' i have a dog. i've been to hawaii."

yeah. there's no way i can write the past 10 years in 3 sentences and not sound completely insane or completely mundane.

so then i try to start with question two.

"Ditching prom to see the archers of loaf in my prom dress (that my mom made)."

OR

"Skipping school to go buy Wowie Zowie."

ok, so those are a bit more interesting but still apathetic.

so, sorry everyone. i'm not gonna send it in, which is the same exact thing i would have done 10 years ago. i guess this means i haven't changed a bit. that's reassuring, in a way.

hello city

2006-09-20T16:54:00.000-04:00

hello dc!
it's me again!
like a leaf i fell from your tree again!

i will miss you sweet computer

2006-08-28T15:39:00.001-04:00

today is my last monday at my current job. since i am a very sentimental person by nature (on saturday, i looked over at my dear friend in her wedding dress, realized the weight of the moment we were sharing, and had to leave the room, about to burst into tears), i am anticipating being emotional about leaving this job. but i'm not feeling emotional at all! i only feel ... well, nothing, actually. i like this job, i've made lasting friendships here, i have learned a lot and actually grown up a little. when i left my office on the last day of my first real i-have-a-salary-and-health-benefits job at the library, it was pouring rain and tears were streaming down my face as i walked to my car with my huge box of office stuff. the beastie boys "fight for your right to party" was cued to play as i drove away, but i felt too sad to turn it on.

this time it's different. on friday, i will walk to that same car with another big box, but i cannot imagine that i will be crying. (mostly i think i will be concerned that the doorman is going to try and give me an awkward goodbye hug!) but also, i just can't see myself crying.

because i'd never stop. this change is too heavy to process in one car ride home. beginning in three short weeks, i'm not going to live in the same state as my mom for the first time in my life. i'm leaving some of the best friends in the history of the universe. i know that i'm going to explode, emotionally, sometime in the near future. i just need to time it, you know?

hold it,

hold it,

hold it,

ok, go!

if i don't, i'll be crying for the next month straight and will probably have to be committed to a mental hospital. and then everyone will be happy to see me leave, as i will have become an annoying blubbering mess.

i just need to wait until i've driven away for good.

pie

2006-08-24T09:03:00.000-04:00

i read this poem this morning and it made me miss my days of pretending to be a literary critic. (i was an english major and so that's how i spent many hours in college- pretending to be a fancy big-words-using literary genius). looking back, maybe i was going through a pretentious period, but it was energizing and made me feel alive. so i am going to quick-write my thoughts on this poem, which i liked immensely when i read it.

Pie
by X.J. Kennedy

Whoever dined in this café before us
Took just a forkful of his cherry pie.
We sit with it between us. Let it lie
Until the overworked waitperson comes
To pick it up and brush away the crumbs.

You look at it. I look at it. I stare
At you. You do not look at me at all.
Somewhere, a crash as unwashed dishes fall.
The clatter of a dropped knife splits the air.
Second-hand smoke infiltrates everywhere.

Your fingers clench the handle of a cup
A stranger drained. I almost catch your eye
For a split second. The abandoned pie
Squats on its plate before us, seeping red
Like a thing not yet altogether dead.

***
my first instinct is to ask- what is the relationship between these two people at the table? and my first-instinct answer is that i think they are lovers who are about to have a break-up conversation. "a thing not yet altogether dead," the pie, is their relationship - the pie is sitting there now, but it's undesireable, and someone's about to take it away and then its not just going to be undesirable, it's going to be dead. just as one of the people at the table is about to say something that kills the relationship. and we are witnessing the moment in time right before its death.

it's a sad poem but it really speaks to me. i love the use of metaphor in things like uneaten, unfresh food. and i love that this is cherry pie- oozing red goo/blood. i make objects metaphorical all the time- like the fact that my scrabble game is missing a blank tile. this means, of course, that my life as a whole is short on blank canvases- i need to work on expanding my options. it's fun and i'm going to try and be more conscious of things sitting in front of me to see if they are saying something!

finally, i think my favorite literary technique used in this poem is kennedy's placement of "A stranger," on a new line. the reader stumbles here and has to read it twice or three times to realize that the stranger that the narrator is speaking of is not the person sitting across from him, but the person who left the cup. the fragmentation of the sentence illurates the fragmentation between the two people and puts the word "stranger" into our heads so that we also ponder whether these two people have become strangers to each other.

inner chill

2006-08-21T16:13:00.000-04:00

i experienced an absolute absence of inner (and outer) drama this past weekend and it was glorious. i want to swim in it.

advice

2006-08-15T14:03:00.000-04:00

(attempting to write some advice without using a personal pronoun):

when listening to a woman relate the story of how that woman became engaged, try not to judge the story. the woman cannot change the story because the story happened to that woman. the woman must live with that story. so hold the tongue. a unexciting
and silly engagement story (involving, say, a couch and some cheese puffs) could happen to any woman.

(that was harder than one might imagine)

reviving a lost mind

2006-08-09T11:24:00.000-04:00

this past weekend, i went (with my mom, stepdad, and younger brother) to tennessee to celebrate my grandma's 81st birthday with her. part of the weekend was spent sitting around her kitchen table discussing new books we've read, or want to read, and making/eating bbq ribs, colorful and amazingly thinly-sliced veggies, and a flourless chocolate (birthday) cake.

grandma's husband died about 18 months ago, and, of late, grandma has seemed worried her large house and its insides, wondering, rightfully so, how she will ever manage to get rid of all her stuff when the inevitable time comes for her to downsize. so we volunteered to take home some things that she didn't need anymore and my brother went up into the attic and retrieved six or seven dusty, heavy boxes- full of family photos, memorabilia, papers, cancelled checks, tax records, etc. most of it had belonged to my great-grandmother, gram, and all of that had remained untouched since her death in january 1989, of alzheimer's disease.

i was profoundly affected by one particular item we found. gram kept meticulous records of her day-to-day affairs, in the form of notations in her desk calendar. we found all of her desk calendars and started pouring over them, checking, for example, how she recorded my birthday (a simple entry, dated November 17, 1977, stating my name, and my weight, height, length, and time of birth), or my brother's birthday (stating his name and "dark hair and happy. aren't we all happy?"). this entry was on October 14, 1987, at a time when alzheimer's already was affecting her mind.

we also discovered the last calendar that gram had used before she died. we held our breaths as we flipped through it. at the top of every page, she had written her full name, address, telephone number, my mother's and grandmother's names, and numbers and a little schedule of her meals (7:30 am, breakfast; 12:00 pm, lunch; 5:30 pm, dinner).

to remember.

some months, she had filled every single square with frenzied notes ("called hairdresser. she said she'd call me"), ("i can't find my eyebrow tweasers") ("borrowed eyebrow tweasers from nellie brown, she lives across the hall from me")- to the point that almost every inch of the page is inked. these pages represent the pains that she took to cling to some semblance of normalcy, even as she was losing her mind. it's both heartbreaking and fascinating.

the most compelling page was the last. it was the month of july 1988, seven months before she died. (the rest of the book is blank). the final entry is july 28, 1988. in that box, she wrote a sentence about how much she loved her late husband, noting also, with amazing accuracy, that he had died ten years ago that day.

i now feel like i have the raw materials from which to craft a book (the book i always said i wanted to write), which will be a story about my great-grandmother. writing this book gives me the chance to do for gram what, despite all her efforts, she couldn't do for herself: revive her lost mind.

30,000 stores!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

a few weeks ago i read in the paper the following facts:
metro atlanta has over 136 starbucks stores.
starbucks is planning to build 200 more starbucks in atlanta in the next few years.
starbucks also is planning to expand from 10,500 stores worldwide to more than 30,000 stores.

nooooo!!!!!!! all those green and white cups! is it really that yummy? or hard to make your own coffee at home? does everyone need to learn to speak starbuckian? why does tall mean small? where has all of our authenticity, creativity, eccentricity gone? does no one notice we are all becoming the same?

and 30,000 stores!!!!!!!!!! oh no! do we have room for all of them? are we going to have to sacrifice diners and denists' offices so that the starbucks can have the best locations? are they going to put a starbucks in pratt, kansas??????

pratt is an old-time small town in the middle of kansas and where my father grew up. the air is sweet there, you can stand in a wheat field and hear nothing but the wheat, and you can go to one of the two bars in town and run into someone who knows your daddy- it's a good spot. it has a population of approximately 6,570 people.

phew, i just checked www.starbucks.com- there are no starbucks in pratt, kansas! that's the most refreshing thing i've ever heard.

i want to move there.

ok, i feel better.

http://www.prattkan.com/

quote of the day

2006-07-21T13:22:00.000-04:00

hey frances, what's in your fanny pack?

vitamins, sunglasses, and nitroglycerin.

hey frances, why don't you put a doughnut in your fanny pack?

post party fat

2006-05-22T09:25:00.000-04:00

this weekend, some of my favorite girlfriends and i threw a bachelorette party for another of our girlfriends, who is getting married in three short weeks. it was one of those nights, those special nights that you remember (or not) forever as "good times." it's not so much the details that i will remember, but the feeling of anticipation and excitement, the rush of feeling like you can do anything.

it occurred to me the morning after, when i was eating a cheeseburger, fries, and banana shake with the girls (oh yes i did) that i rarely feel like that anymore. when i was much younger, it seemed like every day was an adventure, a new experience, and i was on the verge of something so great. i was just waiting for something good to happen to me. in college, adventures became the norm, and the special-ness of everyday life waned into a general "fun time" with a undertone of worry (am i going to make it out of here in one piece?). now that i am a working person, i sense that the worry has become highpitched (what is going to become of me? am i going to become one of those people who cannot escape a routine, except to take a 2-week vacation once a year?), and feeling like i am on the verge of something great is almost nonexistent.

how can i bottle the bachelorette party night feeling? maybe i have to settle for knowing that each week of my life is a collection of small moments that are great. like the thursday morning "food and wine" section of the newspaper, getting a phone call from a long-lost friend in san francisco, seeing my 5-month-old niece for the second time.

and the morning after the bachelorette party, when i ate so much post party fat that i literally got high and dissolved into a mess of uncontrollable laughter.

newstuff to do

2006-03-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

hello! i think that it is about time that i write a new post, as my last v. sad and depressed post has heavily been sitting on top of the heap for a while now, vulnerable. (when else but a sad time, though, do i ever feel like writing?) right now in my life i personify confusion. do i need medication? or maybe just a change? so today i am going to write down three goals.

one- i will find a therapist to talk to. i want to ask this person to gather all the gray sludge in my head and, whoosh! suck it out (or help me to somehow squeeze it out myself) so that i have a clean, fresh brain to think with. big things lurk inside this head! how can i reasonably expect myself to behave normally with all this stuffing up here, obscuring my thoughts?

two- i will take better care of my fingernails. this sounds crazy, i know, but nice-looking fingernails are something i have never, ever, had. wouldn't it be great to have cute fingers? i think so! good grooming propels self-confidence!

and three, i will pray for everyone i know, all the time. i want to acknowledge, on a daily basis, all of the heartache and the pain and fear that i know people are going through. i will pray for the people i pass on the street and my friends' family members who are sick or worried. i will pray for my chain of supportive friends and their own chains. by doing so, this will help me remember how blessed i am and how enormously small my problems are, in comparison. i think this will help me on my own road.