i'm still me?

last night i spent a contemplative hour listening to soulful music and flipping through my old high school and college scrapbooks. if you are my friend and you are reading this, you can be certain that, last night, i laughed at a picture of you wearing some silly outfit and making some silly face. you may have had marker on your face and arms. it was nice to reminisce with all of you even though i'm miles away from most of you.
it did strike me how young we all looked. not just our faces: our fashion sense was not fully developed, our haircuts were cheap and not quite stylish, our choice of venues was unsophisticated. i remember having a "dinner party" in college in which i served beer and spaghetti and gave everyone a washcloth because i hadn't bought paper napkins. i remember feeling like a real adult having a dinner party. but that young me seems so distant from who i am now. looking at my face in some of the photos, it was hard for me to believe that i am the same person.

in one of my favorite built to spill songs, doug marsch sings "it's hard to believe / that after all this time / after all this, i'm / still me." yes!

it's almost unfathomable to think that my current self is the same self as the one who threw that "dinner party" and who would have died if anyone knew i failed my driver's test twice in the same day. (yep, at two different locations). then, i was obsessed with being cool, fitting in, being included. perhaps that's why i was obsessed with documenting it in photographs. it's as if i needed proof that i mattered in athens.

i feel like i am becoming more like my real self with each day that passes. i am comfortable in my skin. i snort with abandon. i can handle being alone. i am not constantly trying to please or impress. i know my comfort-level.

i like aging. i'm inching closer and closer to authenticity.