a mother is born

my baby is 8 weeks old today.* early in my pregnancy, i thought about rejuvenating this blog to write about being pregnant but i ended up only privately writing in a journal about it. i think now i will rejuvenate this blog to write about my motherhood experience, more of a motherhood journal for my own purposes than a "baby update" type blog, but still containing pictures and updates about our baby. i'm going to continue to keep the blog anonymous.

my motherhood journey began, as all do, with the trauma of birth. i use the word trauma because the process of labor and delivery traumatized me, even though it was just about as "normal" and uncomplicated as it could have possibly been. my water broke around 9pm on a wednesday (three days before christmas), progressed steadily from there, and our M was born at 7:43 the next morning. i feel really lucky and happy that i was able to stick to my birth plan and have a natural birth. i wanted to do that for myself - i wanted to prove to myself that i could do it - and because i wanted M to have the most natural entry into the world possible. however, i think that the lack of painkillers made the experience less euphoric than i had expected or hoped. instead of a lot of breathing, focal points, meditation and massage (as envisioned in our lamaze class), there was a LOT of screaming and biting, and i said "golly" and "you guys" a lot (i guess that's better than cursing ... but a little strange that i regressed to childlike talk). i felt like i was in a battle with my body, just holding on lest it tear itself in half. it was indescribable pain.

everyone says that you "forget the pain" once the baby is born and you see his or her little face. for me, this is 100% true, although i was definitely still in pain after he was born; in fact, the pain lasted for two weeks or so as i recovered (though it took me at least 4 weeks to really feel like myself again). it was REALLY hard for me to focus on loving my baby when my body was in such physical upheaval. as the days and weeks go by, however, my memory of the pain has faded and has been replaced by exponentially growing love for my baby. i'm a bit saddened, actually, that my memory of the birth has been softened by time already; i'm so darn proud of what i did that i want to hold on to it and remember every bit in vivid detail. alas, now all i really know is that it WAS indescribably painful but i can't describe it any more than that. it's like a line in tom stoppard's rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead - and i am paraphrasing as it's been years since i read the play - i crossed the bridge (of childbirth) and then burned it behind me, leaving only the smell of smoke and the knowledge that my eyes once watered.

i did write all the "nice" details of M's birth in my pregnancy journal in case M wants to read it someday. example, what i was doing the day before he was born, what i ate for dinner, what the weather was like, etc. those are the details that are relevant in my public portrayal of my life as a mom and M's own perception about his birthday. however, i will always hold the pain and trauma in my own heart: a badge of honor and a reminder that the good things in life are sometimes the hardest to achieve.


* i started this post on thursday and it's now saturday. life with a baby is a life of small segments of free time.