warning- this is a heavy post for a bright thursday afternoon

the past remains. it is impossible to obliterate memories. one must actively recover from the past: covering it up with a layer of time changes no facts. this is good. it forces us to analyze why we did the things we did, how life has altered us, the purpose of making mistakes, and where to proceed knowing what we now know. i am glad for it. but the process makes me ill at ease.

today i am unwillingly processing some memories of my last relationship. basically, i thought that i had thrown away some photographs that reminded me of it, but they literally came back to me yesterday in the mail with a note "i found these in your old office." (my old coworker meant no harm. they were pictures of myself two birthdays ago). then, today i had lunch with a friend from atlanta and our conversation sent memories hurtling toward me like a great school of small fish. i am powerless to avoid the unwinding of this spool of thought so i will indulge it.

here are the thoughts as they unfurl:

i did that. i really did. it was me then. i erred, slipped, misplaced myself. i lost touch. i forced. i used. i did all the dishes. it went on too long. i forgot athens. i asked nothing. i felt safe in an unsafe place. i wanted security! but i absorbed abuse! it was me there! the girl who won the writing award and the citizenship award. uncherished. solid person melted. i cannot change it. i was. it's happened. so blind. it's done. dry.

but at the end of the spool:

all of our experiences are meaningful. it's especially our poor choices that make us who we are. i needed that relationship for so many reasons and its beginning, middle, and end has landed me, plink, where i am right now. it was relationship practice. and now i feel like i've gotten it exactly right.