notes from a working mom

well, it's been almost two weeks since i went back to work and i have to say that i feel like we are all thriving. the first few days were rough - full of sadness, worry, fear, guilt, tears -- a checklist of emotions comparable to, well, grief. i was grieving, and still do, the fact that i have to leave my little three month old son in the arms of others for approximately nine hours per day, five days a week, for all the weeks in the conceivable future. but grieving this fact of my life is different from the day to day living of it, and the sharp grief of the first couple days has faded into a manageable, soft, almost acceptable feeling.

each morning and afternoon during pick up and drop off, i have spent time with M's caregivers and feel like i have begun to develop a relationship with them, as well as the other children in M's room. and i can tell that he's begun to develop these relationships as well. today, when we arrived, a little boy toddled up to M and grabbed his pacifier from his mouth and M just gave him a huge smile. so i can observe that he is making a place for himself there, as we all must do in the lives we lead outside our homes. as i have always said about this particular daycare facility, S and i both feel happy when we are there. and M seems happy there too.

as for me, i am truly enjoying the intellectual work of my job, all the while also enjoying thinking about M during the day. i also enjoy taking breaks to pump (though the office i'm using is SO COLD) and take the time to just daydream. i've become an EXPERT bottle washer, as, every night, i have to wash and dry and refill M's bottles for daycare the next day AND wash and dry my bottles for pumping. but i try to enjoy the ritual of all of it, remembering that i'm doing all this for my sweet boy, who won't be a baby forever.

and of course, working makes the weekends all the more fun.