almost 5 months!

chillin after daycare

notes from a working mom

well, it's been almost two weeks since i went back to work and i have to say that i feel like we are all thriving. the first few days were rough - full of sadness, worry, fear, guilt, tears -- a checklist of emotions comparable to, well, grief. i was grieving, and still do, the fact that i have to leave my little three month old son in the arms of others for approximately nine hours per day, five days a week, for all the weeks in the conceivable future. but grieving this fact of my life is different from the day to day living of it, and the sharp grief of the first couple days has faded into a manageable, soft, almost acceptable feeling.

each morning and afternoon during pick up and drop off, i have spent time with M's caregivers and feel like i have begun to develop a relationship with them, as well as the other children in M's room. and i can tell that he's begun to develop these relationships as well. today, when we arrived, a little boy toddled up to M and grabbed his pacifier from his mouth and M just gave him a huge smile. so i can observe that he is making a place for himself there, as we all must do in the lives we lead outside our homes. as i have always said about this particular daycare facility, S and i both feel happy when we are there. and M seems happy there too.

as for me, i am truly enjoying the intellectual work of my job, all the while also enjoying thinking about M during the day. i also enjoy taking breaks to pump (though the office i'm using is SO COLD) and take the time to just daydream. i've become an EXPERT bottle washer, as, every night, i have to wash and dry and refill M's bottles for daycare the next day AND wash and dry my bottles for pumping. but i try to enjoy the ritual of all of it, remembering that i'm doing all this for my sweet boy, who won't be a baby forever.

and of course, working makes the weekends all the more fun.

M goes to Kansas!

we took our first family vacation this past weekend. here are some pictures...


this is M about to board his first flight. he's waving goodbye!


M napped through his first trip to KC's famous hamburger joint, Winstead's.


Grandpa Jayhawk is laughing because M just pooped and Grandpa jumped about 30 feet in the air!


his Kansas grandparents were so happy to meet M!


M also enjoyed some snuggle time with dad in KC.

when babies fall, parents cry

cute photo of M and dad. but do you see the rug burn on S's arm? that's the only evidence that remains of a very scary moment yesterday. S fell down the stairs while holding M! like he started at the top of the steps and fell all the way down to the landing. he did a great job of making sure M was okay on the way down. and he was, after he got over the scare of it. S and I are far more traumatized by the fall than the baby. it's just one of those moments we'll always remember as parents. we spend so much time and energy protecting him and thinking about protecting him, and it's hard to realize that we can't protect him from everything, including (or especially) our own ability to walk down stairs, for example.

i'm also realizing how terribly breathtakingly hard it's going to be to leave M at daycare next week. not only can we not protect our baby from things happening to him in the world, we also have to let him go out there on his own. i constantly have to remind myself that he's not a part of me anymore. ever since they cut the umbilical cord, he has been slowly but surely moving away from me. he's moved out of my arms into his bassinet just a few feet away and will eventually move into his own room. he's going to want to nurse less and less and begin take in food from outside of myself. he's moving farther and father away from my body. and i have to remember that his life is HIS journey and i'm just here to help him along. i can't teach him to walk or talk - those are things he has to do on his own, even though i'm here to hold his hand while he takes his steps and tell him stories from which he can make his own words. so i guess i'm beginning to experience what is probably the most challenging part of being a mother:

letting go.
gradually and bit by bit it will happen.
until he's fully M, grown.

a friday picture

another day with this sweet baby. i am so lucky.

march

M had his 2-month checkup on tuesday. he's almost 13 pounds (size 2 diapers, here we come!) and is measuring in the 75th percentile for height and weight. he got several immunizations, which he seems to have tolerated pretty well.

i have mixed feelings about it being march. march marks the time when i can legitimately hope for snowmelt and 50+ degree days. this winter has been rough on me because the snow and cold have really cooped us up here in our house while i'm home all day with M. by march, the end is officially near! i can't wait for the wet muddy sloshy bits-of-green drip drip drip of spring! i want to replace all the blood in my body with fresh aired-out spring blood. i want to get out and hike, show M more of the world. i've also begun daydreaming about the vegetable garden i'm going to plant this year in our yard. i think we've settled on a handful of crops (it's my first real garden so i'm starting slow with peppers, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, garlic, and onions) and i've ordered some seed catalogs to flip through. today it's sunny so i'm watching the yard to see where the sunniest spots are.

march also brings the end of my maternity leave; i return to work on march 17 and M will go to daycare. we've chosen a place we believe will nurture him the way we would if we were there and enhance his development. i'm trying not to dread march 17: all i can do is trust that the decision to go back to work and the place we've decided to take M are the best for our family. i could go on and on about how much i will miss being M's primary caregiver during the day, how i will miss rocking away the day with him. but we must move on. both of us must step a little out of the nest and it will be good for us.

so this month is going to be about change, growth, and poking our heads once again out into the world. upon reflection, it's really all good. i think we're both ready to emerge.

just some pictures

a couple new pictures of M!



we call this one "naked baby with socks" - there's just something so sweet and wonderful about a naked baby.



M has been enjoying pushing down with his legs and "standing up." i love this shot of dad and M.



this is one of a "sun series" i took the other morning when the sun was hitting M's hair in a way that made it even more crazy looking.






we took two great family walks this weekend. M doesn't always like the stroller, so we tried the front pack and he really loved it, even though he does have an annoyed look on his face. S and i loved it too. the sidewalks have been really snowy/icy/slushy, so the front pack works a lot better. i'm thankful that we're getting our walks in.