just some pictures

a couple new pictures of M!



we call this one "naked baby with socks" - there's just something so sweet and wonderful about a naked baby.



M has been enjoying pushing down with his legs and "standing up." i love this shot of dad and M.



this is one of a "sun series" i took the other morning when the sun was hitting M's hair in a way that made it even more crazy looking.






we took two great family walks this weekend. M doesn't always like the stroller, so we tried the front pack and he really loved it, even though he does have an annoyed look on his face. S and i loved it too. the sidewalks have been really snowy/icy/slushy, so the front pack works a lot better. i'm thankful that we're getting our walks in.

two months!

here are some recent photos of M!


i took this photo yesterday. his hair is just getting more and more bananas!


M and Sadie are making friends.


this photo begs for a caption... anyone?


a sweet (but blurry) half-smile picture.


S thinks M looks like Andy Warhol in this picture.


M loves his swing but often falls asleep in it curled in on himself. it looks so cute but also uncomfortable! i don't leave him in there very long.

M is two months old today. i think he's growing out of the "newborn" stage because last night he slept for 7 hours straight! and he has almost grown out of his bassinet - i think we'll transition to the crib sometime soon. we've been trying a new nighttime and nap routine which seems to be working and is buying S and I some time together at night and some sleep. M and i do a lot of playing during the day and he's been enjoying listening to music, sticking out his tongue at me, smiling, getting kissed by the mama kiss monster and his stuffed animals, hitting his toys with his hands and kicking his legs. we have his 2-month doctor's appointment next week.

M is waking up, gotta scoot.

my new skin

first of all, i have to say that i am writing this while sitting on the floor in the hall outside my bedroom where the baby is napping. he's REALLY napping -- meaning that he's actually in his bassinet and not just sleeping in my arms. and he's been there for a WHOLE HOUR already which is something close to a miracle these days. i seem to have a baby who doesn't "take naps" but rather, sleeps for a while in my arms but wakes up screaming if i try to put him down. i think he gets it from his high-maintenance sleeper dad, not me, who can sleep anywhere, anytime, forever and ever. so this is a delicious treat. must type fast.

today i wanted to record a thought i've been having a lot lately, and that is that i feel so comfortable in my mother skin. i slipped into this mother role and it was like slipping into a favorite pair of jeans. i've never been really into fashion- tshirts and jeans are pretty much my standard. and now i don't have to worry that i dress like a mom because i AM a mom! i also kind of love my mom pooch. it's very different from the "i eat out too much and drink too much beer" pooch that i've always had. this pooch is so much cuter because it's a mom pooch and it came from my pregnancy. i've been doing situps, but only halfheartedly. :)

as i noted, our M is not really a great napper (although he does pretty well sleeping at night), so i spend a lot of time with him over my shoulder, patting his bum and walking around with him while he "naps." i find myself stopping and looking in a mirror to see if his eyes are open or shut and i see this MOM looking back at me. i swear i look different! despite being more tired than i've ever been in my life, i feel like i look more present. and beautiful in the way that moms are beautiful when they hold their children and pat their bums and sing to them.

anyway, i hear the little one snorting, must run!

a mother is born

my baby is 8 weeks old today.* early in my pregnancy, i thought about rejuvenating this blog to write about being pregnant but i ended up only privately writing in a journal about it. i think now i will rejuvenate this blog to write about my motherhood experience, more of a motherhood journal for my own purposes than a "baby update" type blog, but still containing pictures and updates about our baby. i'm going to continue to keep the blog anonymous.

my motherhood journey began, as all do, with the trauma of birth. i use the word trauma because the process of labor and delivery traumatized me, even though it was just about as "normal" and uncomplicated as it could have possibly been. my water broke around 9pm on a wednesday (three days before christmas), progressed steadily from there, and our M was born at 7:43 the next morning. i feel really lucky and happy that i was able to stick to my birth plan and have a natural birth. i wanted to do that for myself - i wanted to prove to myself that i could do it - and because i wanted M to have the most natural entry into the world possible. however, i think that the lack of painkillers made the experience less euphoric than i had expected or hoped. instead of a lot of breathing, focal points, meditation and massage (as envisioned in our lamaze class), there was a LOT of screaming and biting, and i said "golly" and "you guys" a lot (i guess that's better than cursing ... but a little strange that i regressed to childlike talk). i felt like i was in a battle with my body, just holding on lest it tear itself in half. it was indescribable pain.

everyone says that you "forget the pain" once the baby is born and you see his or her little face. for me, this is 100% true, although i was definitely still in pain after he was born; in fact, the pain lasted for two weeks or so as i recovered (though it took me at least 4 weeks to really feel like myself again). it was REALLY hard for me to focus on loving my baby when my body was in such physical upheaval. as the days and weeks go by, however, my memory of the pain has faded and has been replaced by exponentially growing love for my baby. i'm a bit saddened, actually, that my memory of the birth has been softened by time already; i'm so darn proud of what i did that i want to hold on to it and remember every bit in vivid detail. alas, now all i really know is that it WAS indescribably painful but i can't describe it any more than that. it's like a line in tom stoppard's rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead - and i am paraphrasing as it's been years since i read the play - i crossed the bridge (of childbirth) and then burned it behind me, leaving only the smell of smoke and the knowledge that my eyes once watered.

i did write all the "nice" details of M's birth in my pregnancy journal in case M wants to read it someday. example, what i was doing the day before he was born, what i ate for dinner, what the weather was like, etc. those are the details that are relevant in my public portrayal of my life as a mom and M's own perception about his birthday. however, i will always hold the pain and trauma in my own heart: a badge of honor and a reminder that the good things in life are sometimes the hardest to achieve.


* i started this post on thursday and it's now saturday. life with a baby is a life of small segments of free time.