i will miss you sweet computer

today is my last monday at my current job. since i am a very sentimental person by nature (on saturday, i looked over at my dear friend in her wedding dress, realized the weight of the moment we were sharing, and had to leave the room, about to burst into tears), i am anticipating being emotional about leaving this job. but i'm not feeling emotional at all! i only feel ... well, nothing, actually. i like this job, i've made lasting friendships here, i have learned a lot and actually grown up a little. when i left my office on the last day of my first real i-have-a-salary-and-health-benefits job at the library, it was pouring rain and tears were streaming down my face as i walked to my car with my huge box of office stuff. the beastie boys "fight for your right to party" was cued to play as i drove away, but i felt too sad to turn it on.

this time it's different. on friday, i will walk to that same car with another big box, but i cannot imagine that i will be crying. (mostly i think i will be concerned that the doorman is going to try and give me an awkward goodbye hug!) but also, i just can't see myself crying.

because i'd never stop. this change is too heavy to process in one car ride home. beginning in three short weeks, i'm not going to live in the same state as my mom for the first time in my life. i'm leaving some of the best friends in the history of the universe. i know that i'm going to explode, emotionally, sometime in the near future. i just need to time it, you know?

hold it,

hold it,

hold it,

ok, go!

if i don't, i'll be crying for the next month straight and will probably have to be committed to a mental hospital. and then everyone will be happy to see me leave, as i will have become an annoying blubbering mess.

i just need to wait until i've driven away for good.