coworker quote of the day

me: barbara! fast food! what are you eating?

barbara: my "i don't have a tumor" whopper.

kbear

baby jayhawk.

waking felt funny

feeling extremely jittery and unsettled today. can't concentrate on work to save my life. woke up sobbing from an extreme dream involving my dad, a pumpkin flavored chicken wing, "bradley" from project runway, black-tie attire, sex, richmond, virginia, and random friends popping in giving me advice. whew. how can you recover when your day begins like that?

my favorite toy

i just purchased a christmas toy for my neice and it got me thinking about my childhood christmases and the favorite toys that i received. i think my number one toy of all time was this fisher price little people camper. i had this exact set with those four people. the seats in the car folded down! the table had a food sticker on it! the family usually would drive somewhere really cool in their camper (like the living room rug) and then set up camp. then they'd take the boat out in the bathtub. after this adventure, they'd get back to camp and the dad would grill out and the kids would "lounge" or ride the motorcycle and the mom would make dinner inside. then everyone would sit at the table and eat. and then they'd all go to sleep. pretty damn exciting. why did i love this so much? maybe because i wanted that life. maybe because i love vacations. maybe because it was one of my only cool toys. i still have it somewhere.

aloof

aloof: (adj) removed or distant either physically or spiritually and usually by choice and with indifference to the feelings, opinions, or interests of others
(from merriam-webster's unabridged dictionary)

my newest dc friend used this word in a sentence yesterday. he was describing someone. the word stuck in my head. it was like i immediately needed to know more about it and what it means. so i guess i'll write about it for a minute so i can see what i think about it.

i don't see myself as aloof. it's a mysterious quality to me. for some reason, the word conjures thoughts of one of my favorite scenes in moby dick. the word aloof describes, to a tee, the character of ahab. to sum up his personality in one word is to say that he's aloof. at the very least he's aloof. but the scene i'm thinking of has nothing to do with ahab. in fact, it envisions the exact opposite of aloof.

in this scene, the crew is processing the oil (spermicetti) from a freshly killed sperm whale. it's so cool- they have to dip their hands into this big tub of the oil and squeeze the lumps out. ishmael adores the physical feeling of squeezing the oil and his narrative becomes almost frenzied with delight. as he's squeezing the oil, he accidentally grabs the hands of the other sailors. this is the passage i love:

Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continuously squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say, - Oh my dear fellow beings, why should we longer cherish any social acerbities or know the slightest ill-humor or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other.

okay, i know that's a bit homoerotic and over-emotional. but i also think it provides the perfect foil for ahab. and the perfect opposite to the word "aloof." it also describes me when i am with people i love. in fact, maybe the opposite of aloof is love.

i'm still me?

last night i spent a contemplative hour listening to soulful music and flipping through my old high school and college scrapbooks. if you are my friend and you are reading this, you can be certain that, last night, i laughed at a picture of you wearing some silly outfit and making some silly face. you may have had marker on your face and arms. it was nice to reminisce with all of you even though i'm miles away from most of you.
it did strike me how young we all looked. not just our faces: our fashion sense was not fully developed, our haircuts were cheap and not quite stylish, our choice of venues was unsophisticated. i remember having a "dinner party" in college in which i served beer and spaghetti and gave everyone a washcloth because i hadn't bought paper napkins. i remember feeling like a real adult having a dinner party. but that young me seems so distant from who i am now. looking at my face in some of the photos, it was hard for me to believe that i am the same person.

in one of my favorite built to spill songs, doug marsch sings "it's hard to believe / that after all this time / after all this, i'm / still me." yes!

it's almost unfathomable to think that my current self is the same self as the one who threw that "dinner party" and who would have died if anyone knew i failed my driver's test twice in the same day. (yep, at two different locations). then, i was obsessed with being cool, fitting in, being included. perhaps that's why i was obsessed with documenting it in photographs. it's as if i needed proof that i mattered in athens.

i feel like i am becoming more like my real self with each day that passes. i am comfortable in my skin. i snort with abandon. i can handle being alone. i am not constantly trying to please or impress. i know my comfort-level.

i like aging. i'm inching closer and closer to authenticity.